Tuesday, April 15, 2008

A foretaste of what's to come

I was sitting here in my broken down rocking chair and a thought hit me, out of the blue.

I remembered that, 4 years ago, I was pregnant. I was scheduled to have my 20 week ultrasound this very week. So I scheduled my ultrasound here in town, at our radiology place, and I was so excited to go! I couldn't wait to see our baby on the screen. There's something about an ultrasound that instantly makes a mama feel so much closer to her unseen baby. It gives face to the flutterings and kickings going on under your heart, doesn't it?? I always look forward to my ultrasounds with intense joy.

This ultrasound was no different. I was expectantly waiting to see our baby and to see if we could find out if we would be adding a boy or a girl to our clan. I had been to this place before and knew the technician who would be doing my scan. That was great, having someone familiar see our baby with me for the first time.

I got on the bed, with my pants pulled low and the requisite warm gel on my tummy. I was literally trembling with excitement!

As she placed her wand on my tummy and slid it around, I was able to see, on the screen, a baby!!! I could place hands and feet and a tiny head! If you have had many ultrasounds, I think you become skilled at deciphering what's what on that blurry, black and white screen.

All was going calmly and smoothly, and you know those techs aren't real chatty!

About 10 minutes into my scan, she suddenly said, "Do you have any heart problems in your family?"

Keep in mind that I was by myself. And I said, "No, not at all," thinking to myself, what a strange question to ask me!

Nothing else was said, and we found out we were having another girl!!! This would be girl baby #5 for the clan! YAY!!!

Fast forward a week. I went in to my doctor for a routine appointment to hear the results of what I was sure was a normal ultrasound.

When I got in there, my dear Dr informed me that there was a question about our baby's heart, and they couldn't be sure what the deal was. He told me that if there was a problem, many surgeries can even be done while I was still pregnant and baby was in the womb. I was shocked because I had been prepared for normal news.

Dr Whelan ordered a second level ultrasound at a clinic in the closest big city, an hour south of us.

I was still trying to take it in. I was really still thinking about when Dr W had said that it was probably nothing, but he wanted to be absolutely certain. I was hanging on to that and was sure it was nothing.

Oh Lord, I had no idea what You had in store for us. Just a few weeks later we would begin a journey that was frightening. Bewildering. Surreal. The journey that You asked us to walk was not the journey I would have chosen. But You saw the beginning from the end, and in Your total wisdom, You chose us to be our girl's parents.

Thank You.


Gayle said...

You've come so far and grown so much from this. What an inspiration.

Cindy Swanson said...

Leanne, my heart goes out to you. My older sister had a baby girl in 1973 who only lived for a week. (She also had heart irregularities.) All these years later, my sister says she will still have episodes of grief about the baby, who was named Deborah Leigh. She'll take out the mementoes of the baby and have a good cry.

Less than a year after Deborah's birth and death, my sister had another little girl who was perfectly healthy and is now a grown woman, a mom and a nurse. But of course, nothing will take the place of the baby who is now in heaven.

Emily said...

This is good for you. :) Love the new blog look btw.

duckygirl said...

I really do think you can be such an encouragement to others by just sharing your heart...I agree with Em, that this is good for you! Love you my dear friend!!!


Rebeca said...

I'm glad you're taking the time, and emotional energy, to write about this journey. I'm sure it will be hard, but I think also it will be a step in the healing process. May the Lord bless and comfort you as you remember her. Love, Rebeca