Monday, November 29, 2010

Hard Day

Today was a hard day.

I set out with my son to go grocery shopping and do some errands in our hometown earlier this morning.  I knew I had to get a rock chip in my windshield repaired.  I had a couple of other stops to make, and I planned on being home really early in the day to spend the rest of the day with my kids.

Yeah.  As if.

I left the house this morning at 8:30 and just got home.  Ick.

I spent several hundred dollars more that I thought I was going to, unexpectedly.  Like about $650 more.

I hate that!

I had to go to our hometown crisis pregnancy center because I had some things we wanted to donate, in Olivia's name.  Ouch.  That was harder than I thought it was going to be.  After I gave the items, it was like Olivia's being gone was really cemented.  It's real now.  It hit all over again.  Ouch.  But it also felt good to know that her stuff was going to go to moms who really needed it.

While grocery shopping, I saw the most beautiful bunch of fiery orange and yellow tulips, and I knew I had to have them.  I knew that I had to take them up to Janie's Place in our hometown.  And I did.  They looked stunning against the stark, gray sky and the cold, gray granite marker.

And while I was there, I went into the office of the memorial park where Janie lays, because I had to talk to them about Olivia.  I had to make preliminary arrangements for her burial.  Ouch.  I don't think "ouch" adequately conveys the feelings I had while there.  Dave made the arrangements for Janie and I didn't even have to think about it.  But he's so busy right now that I was the one who had to do it.  Another blow from the hammer that nails Olivia's passing to my heart.  The funeral director, who was the nicest, most compassionate older lady, said that they could pick her up after she's born, whether she's born in our hometown or at the other hospital down South, where I will have to deliver if I go before 34 weeks.  They have a liaison there too.  They can also arrange a private graveside service too, with a tent and chairs, if we so desire.  I am leaving that up to Dave.  He said he'd make that decision for me.  Thank God for my dear, dear husband.

So, that about sums up my day.

I SO want to be brave! I want to be courageous and stalwart and steadfast! I want so badly to say that the grief isn't so bad, it doesn't bite so much, it is easy this time around.......but I'd be lying! I just want these days to be over.  I want Pennie to be here and all of the uncertainty, the not knowing, the state of limbo, to be over.  I crave closure.  I want to hold Pennie.  To smell her.  To kiss her sweet head and hold her to my breast.  I guess I just want my heart filled with her.  I want to go on to the next chapter in our life.

I wrote this little verse a couple of weeks ago.  It resounds in my heart.  It's Olivia......

Her name
echoes in my soul.
Like the gentle waves
breaking, sighing
along the twilit shore~
her name whispers 
in my heart
and I will never
copyright 2010 by leeswords

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Breaking The Silence


I've been gone a long time!

Some nice person figured out Husband's password for our internet account and has been helping themselves to free internet AND giving us all kinds of problems with our internet provider, which, to put it in a very nice way, is LAME!!!!!! We plan on switching to a Sprint card, I think.  So, I've been forced to be offline completely lately.  I figured an update was in order, and I'm sneaking time on Husband's computer!

First up, we're iced in here at our house in the country.  It began to snow on Saturday night and continued, with snow all day yesterday.  We only have about an inch, but the temps dropped drastically last night into the teens and so, we're totally iced over today.  Everything's frozen shut outside.  It's about 23 degrees right now at 10 AM. The sun is shining and the sky is baby blue, but man, it's COLD! The cold snap is expected to end tomorrow, with temps back up to 43 by Friday.  Brrrrr! My girls are having a blast, though.

I had to cancel my Dr's appt down South today, due to the roads leading to the freeway being treacherous.  I won't get to see Pennie today...booo! But I rescheduled for December 2nd.  Or Friday, which isn't perfect because my wonderful tech Kyrsten won't be there.  I'll have a different doctor....waaaaah.....I don't like seeing another doctor! (I know, I'm griping!)

I'm still craving a huge platter of cheese enchiladas with rice and beans and pico de gallo and guacamole, from our small, fabulous little local Mexican restaurant.  And a tall, hot Carmello from my mom's coffee shop.  If it warms up past 34 today, I'm zooming up to my mom's shop and grabbing a drink! It's not really like a craving, it's like "I have to have cheese enchiladas and a coffee drink VERY SOON or bad things will happen!" You moms know what I'm talking about!

My heart is raw.  My very bone marrow hurts.  My soul is weary.  Sometimes the pain of thinking about Olivia flying to Heaven takes my breath away.  But it is a strange roller coaster that I'm on.  I vaccilate from joy to grief, from tingles of excitement to lances of agony.......and every laugh or smile or excitement is tempered by my numbness.

We got a VAN!!!! We found it on Auto Trader online.  We got it last Thursday, the 18th.  It's RED, a deep, dark red.  It's a 2001 Chrysler Town and Country Limited, fully loaded.  All-wheel drive.  Anti-lock, automatic 4x4 brakes.  Heated seats.  Leather.  Everything's power.  New engine.  It's absolutely immaculate and plush and the safest, most awesome ride we've ever had!! Husband took it to work today because his 1987 Pontiac 6000 isn't all that safe in the winter weather that we're having.  Boo on him! He's mocking me! He calls every so often to talk smack to me.....but he does call it "My Van".  Yep.

I have a bit less than 8 weeks of "couch" rest left.  And I AM counting down the days!

I'm sorry I haven't been able to answer your comments personally lately.  I never have any idea when I'm going to be able to be online anymore.  But I am soooo soooo soooo grateful for all of your continued support through comments and prayers.  I dearly, dearly need the prayers, now more than ever.  THANK YOU!!!!!!

I'm not sure when I'll be online again regularly, what with our laptop, which was really mine, being down and out right now.  We need to take it to the Genius Counter at the Apple Store.  It's critical mass, people.  Actually, I'm enjoying not being online.  I don't feel compelled to be online.  I miss you guys, but I don't feel obsessed with what you're doing and what you're thinking! But you all know I love you and, if you want, contact me via email and I'll give you my mailing address if you like to write letters.  We can be pen pals....but BEWARE! I loooooove to write and letters are no exception!

Oh, I almost forgot!! Pennie seems to be doing really well in there.  She's pretty active.  I won't have an update on her for a while since I had to cancel my appointment today.

I'm in my THIRD TRIMESTER! I can't believe how this pregnancy has flown! I think I have less than 100 days left! Ooooooh! Wait, I'm not ready! Ha.

Okay, that's a long enough update.  Talk to you all soon! MWAH!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Pennie Jane Is....

Pennie Jane is....

  • thriving!
  • 1 lb 9 oz.
  • in the 60th percentile.
  • opening her eyes! We saw them actually looking around!!!
  • loving her hands.
  • a little jumping bean!
  • really cozy in there.
  • looking really great.
  • a blessing.
Mama is:

  • on modified bed rest, until 34 weeks (8.5 months).
  • so happy that Pennie is great.
  • trying to take it easy.
  • craving cheese enchiladas, still.
  • right on target for tummy size.
  • not gaining much weight.
  • having a touch of the flu.
  • working on not fearing labor/delivery.
  • trying to rule the house from the couch.
  • working on being 100% joyful for Pennie's arrival.
  • dreaming about having twins again!

Sunday, November 7, 2010


It's Sunday again, and in our family that means the day that lasts forever.  It's Daddy's one day off.  It was a beautiful day.  It seems that God grants this family more hours in the day, maybe, and makes the sun crawl instead of sprint across the sky, just for us!

It's the eve before another sonogram down South at my peri's office.  As I type this, Pennie is being very energetic.  She's trying to impersonate popcorn, it feels like! We'll get to look at her again and see how she's doing and how she's hanging in there.  I've recently had a bit of an intuition lately that maybe we aren't going to make if full term, just a feeling or an inkling, or just something I can't put my finger on.  We'll know more tomorrow.

I know I've asked and begged and asked for you guys to pray for me, but I really need you to keep up the prayers on my behalf.  I tend to suffer from anxiety for no reason and depression too, and it's really, really bad tonight.  I hate it.  I struggle with anxiety when I least expect it.  Argh, I just feel like my hormones are so freaky! I still feel like I'm pregnant with twins, even though one of them has passed away.

I slept really good last night.  I went to bed way too late and I was a bit concerned about that, but I was asleep about 10 minutes after my head hit the pillow and didn't wake up till almost 5 AM! I know the time change can seem a bit like jet-lag, and so, I really want to sleep well!!!!!

Our local IGA grocery store is the most worthless time waster ever!! I don't think I've ever seen worse customer service, either.  Ugh.  I just hate going there for last minute things, and I just won't.  I'll go without before going there.  It's sad because it can be fixed and made better in a heart beat.  The long-time manager of this store was recently busted for stealing lottery tickets, to the tune of more than $100,000!! If only I was owner of that store! Ha.

My two girlfriends had a baby shower for me yesterday.  They made plans to have the shower for the twins after we had only known for a week, because I was panicking about not having enough for two girls, and they were so wonderful and gracious to help us out with our needs.  Then, of course we found out that Olivia had died after the invitations had gone out, and then had to let everyone know, yada yada yada.  The shower was yesterday and about 10 of my good friends were there and we got four outfits to donate to our hometown crisis pregnancy center in Olivia's name.  The gals let balloons go in memory of Olivia, and they wrote little notes to her that they gave to me to keep.  It was a nice time.

We still need a stroller/car seat combo for Pennie.  And we're trying to stock up on diapers and wipes.  Thank the Lord for!

I also have an appointment tomorrow with my regular OB, for my 6 month check up.  It's going to be a loooong day tomorrow, what with going all the way down South and then back up north.

I'm getting a hair cut tomorrow.  I really, really love my hair gal.  She's awesome.  She goes to a church in our hometown and she just got back from her second missions trip to Thailand.  This time she went with her 16 year old daughter.  When we had Lucie, she brought me and the kids lunch from our favorite local hamburger place.  She does everyone in our family's hair.  She's that great!! I always look forward to seeing her.

I'm craving cheese enchiladas.  And I tend to have some acidic stomach lately, which I have never, ever had, in any of my pregnancies.  Ick.  Especially at night, before bed.  So, do I really want to indulge in cheese enchiladas?

We're about to start our family time.  The family's going to eat brownies.  I'm going to watch.  Too much sugar amps up my anxiety level and then I crash into a yucky, grouchy mess.  Not tonight!

I love Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Extra tea.  Double bag for me!

Everyone knows I hate Starbuck's, but yesterday I had a Salted Caramel Hot Cocoa.  I like fancy hot cocoa.  My husband says I'm snooty, but I hardly ever drink hot cocoa, and so, I like the good stuff.  Not enough salt, though.  It didn't live up to its name of "salted."  But it was good.  I wish there was somewhere else I could get them!

I'm going to ask for a weight estimate tomorrow on Pennie.  At my last ultrasound they said she looked bigger than she needed to be, and I've been praying that she'll put on weight and get tons of nutrients, just in case.  My doctors relax more and more with every week that goes by.

Okay, is that enough things?? Ha.  I'll let you know how Pennie is doing tomorrow.  Ta-ta!!

Thursday, November 4, 2010


I have a mark, a scar, on my back, following under my left shoulder blade, right up against it.  If it wasn't curved, it would spread out to be about 12 inches long.  I have had it all of my life.  It is the end result of heart surgery to correct a problem that I was born with.  Nobody outside of my small, immediate family knows about it.  Swimsuits were always tough for me to wear.  Tank tops? You almost never saw me in them.  My scar informed my modesty level, all of my life.  

When it came time to pick out a wedding gown, awkwardness and uncomfortableness followed me from boutique to boutique.  The scar must be covered, at all costs! If not, people would stare! They'd talk! Questions would fly!

Interestingly, the area around and on top of my scar has always been very sensitive.  Oh, the wound and the scab have long ago healed, but the reactivity, the trickiness, will always remain.  Paradoxically, without this old blotch.....I would be dead.  This mark, this nevus, saved my life.  My very days have been spared and shaped by this old line of raised and darkened skin.

I've been thinking about soul wounds and heart scars lately.  I've been prompted, thinking about my "blemish", to analyze how I viewed soul wounds and heart scratches.  I have lately been thinking about, as a Christian, how I wear my "owies".  Previously, wounds and scars were things to be hidden and protected and never, ever talked about.  I wore them with shame, with uncertainty, and honestly, how could I even think that scars could be shown with confidence? How could lesions of any kind ever be viewed with pride, with fondness, with even a small smile of remembrance??

So many times I have asked the Lord, begged the Lord, to take pain and blotches and gashes away from me.  Countless times in the last 7 years I have cried out to Him to remove all memories and marks, all traces and vestiges of agony and anguish, and all outward "stains" that came with such raw hurt!

My musings have changed a lot lately, in the midst of personal agony and the bearing of another deep, throbbing, heartbreaking gash.

How can wounds, scars, tears, become badges of honor and dignity? How can we, as the Old Testament talks about, turn our scars into landmarks of, tributes to, reminders of, where we've been? Can we look at our personal struggle and pain as signposts of how the Lord has delivered us and from where He's pulled us?

I'm working on this.  I'm asking God to heal the wounds but leave the scars so that I'll never forget, and Lord willing, that I will bear my stripes, uncovered, out in the open, with dignity and courage.  By His strength, I hope to wear my scars as stories that others can see, so that when others look at me, all they will see is His faithfulness and His mercy to me.  Lord, may you grant these things to me this day! Amen.

I'll leave you with a favorite song, from Point of Grace..........

I used to dream
that I could rewrite history.
I used to dream
that each mistake could be erased......
I used to pray 
that You would take this shame away,
hide all the evidence of who I've been.....
But it's the memory of
the place You brought me from
that keeps me on my knees,
even though I'm free.
Heal the wound
but leave the scar,
a reminder of how merciful
You are.
I am broken, torn apart!
Take the pieces of this heart,
and heal the wound but leave the scar!
I have not lived a life
that could boast of anything,
and I don't take pride in what I bear.
But I'll build an altar with 
the rubble that you found me in
and every stone will sing
of what You can redeem!
Heal the wound but leave the scar,
a reminder of how merciful
You are.
I am broken, torn apart!
Take the pieces of this heart,
and heal the wound but leave the scar!
Don't let me forget 
everything You've done for me!
Don't let me forget 
the beauty in the suffering!!!