Our Three Miscarriages

We had gone on, after Janie.  We had picked ourselves up, with God's help, and started living again.

My husband wanted to try, right after Janie died, for another baby.

I did not.  My heart could not bear it.  My heart could not risk forgetting her.  So, against my husband's will, we used birth control because I just could not bring myself to contemplate having another baby.  Looking back, I wonder how many children we might have today if I had aligned my will with the Lord's and let Him take charge of my fertility and my womb.  Hindsight is always 20/20!

We did conceive again, and Sofia was born to us in 2006, our Life Baby.  She restored a bit of my hope.

But my heart was still broken.

Nevertheless, I felt the Lord calling me to trust Him completely, and so, I endeavored to do just that.  So, after Sofia was born, we tried again to get pregnant.

And we did, in 2007.  But in July, I began to bleed, and I began to miscarry early on in my pregnancy.  Who was that little one? I would never know, for the Lord had called their name too early for me to know them, but my heart knew them, and would always.

That was very hard thing for me, because we had experienced infertility at this point in our lives.  It had not been easy or quick for us to conceive, and to have it end that way was very, very difficult.

We decided to try again shortly after that, and indeed, the little pink tester stick registered two lines one day.  Boy, was I terrified.  And happy! And......we would go on, at 12 weeks, just after we heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time, to miscarry this little one too, only this miscarriage would take longer and ask more of my body, in fact almost killing me in the process from loss of blood.  Our second miscarriage completed itself, at a great toll on my body, on Valentine's Day 2008.

Our doctor asked us to abstain from trying to conceive so that we could begin a ceaseless round of visiting specialist after specialist, in effort to try to see what was wrong with my body that I could not conceive, and when I did, I could no longer sustain a pregnancy.

Fast forward one more year, and against doctor's orders, and much to our shock, we were pregnant again, and, with doctor's vigilance, Lucie was born healthy in January of 2009!! We were so deeply grateful that God had granted us this precious baby girl!

I had learned a bit of how to trust the Lord by this time, and so, when Lucie was three months old we began to try for another baby, because by this time we knew we wanted to have a big family and, my husband had always wanted to have a large family, so, we tried.  And tried.  And a year later, we were pregnant.

And we lost that pregnancy too, early on, right after finding out.  We miscarried on Easter Sunday 2010.

Lord, how much more could my heart take??

Apparently, much more.