Saturday, January 14, 2012


Thanks for letting me be random and follow rabbit trails and meander in my thoughts.  I appreciate those of you who are still reading my blog, even if you don't leave a comment for me.  I feel like this is my own little corner of the world and I'm glad you all are sticking with me and getting to know me.

I do really wish I could post pictures again. The kids are growing up so fast and are changing so much.  I feel like pictures make a blog so much more enjoyable and so much easier to read....I'm not sure if we'll have that ability again soon. We do have plans to get a new computer system next month, so we'll see.  Anyway, we don't even have a camera or video cam either!

On to the real reason for this post.....

Pennie is in her high chair right now, eating frozen peas.  I looked at her as I stood at the stove, and a wash of emotions came flowing through my heart.  I can hear her sweet voice raised in the dining room and I listen to her talking and making her fun noises, and I am so thankful.  I do believe, for the first time in my life, that I really KNOW what thankfulness and gratefulness really mean.

I'm thinking back tonight to the day of her birth.  The Babies' births were not at all traumatic or hard or long physically, by any means.  My first thought upon seeing Pennie for the very first time was that I couldn't believe she was so small.  The first thing I said was "I'll be surprised if she tips the scale at even 7 lbs!" She weighed in at 5 lbs 13 oz.  She was the tiniest baby I'd ever held, and I wasn' letting her go for anything, not even a bath!! So, she and I stayed glued together, skin-to-skin,for over two weeks.  Those precious weeks spent holding her on my chest, smelling her sweet and unique smell and lavishing kisses on her downy soft head will live forever in my memory.

During my pregnacy with The Babies, and after Olivia died, my perinatologist told me that there was around a 25% chance that Pennie could suddenly die too, so they watched me, and her, like a hawk.  I was in for a 2nd level ultrasound every two weeks.  I loved seeing her! It was amazing! And, they were very gracious to let me see Olivia whenever I wanted to also, which was very, very bittersweet.  We feel deeply that Pennie is a real miracle.  And I am deeply appreciative of the doctor that ensured that nothing happened to her!

Tonight my heart squeezes with gratitude, for the great and merciful gift that God allowed us to have in Pennie.  I am so overwhelmingly thankful that Pennie was allowed to be born alive to us.  She fills her spot in our family to overflowing and her tiny feet and her beautiful smile fill our hearts with great joy.  She really blesses us with a true glimpse of her sister, who awaits us in Heaven!

I'm amazed that next month, Pennie will be 1!! The year since her birth has flown by.  We'll have a special celebration for our very, very special Girl!

Monday, January 9, 2012


Bear with me here friends, because this may be a rather rambling post.

I'm still here.  And I'm thinking a lot lately.

I haven't done an update on Pennie recently.  

She is, well, she is just the most delicious baby.  She is gorgeous and vibrant and inquisitive.  She is almost 11 months old, can you believe that? I wish I had a good computer, so that I can post pictures of her.  I just can scarcely believe that next month she will be one year old! 

Pennie is pretty small, to me.  I guess what I mean is that she's small at this age, compared to our other kids at this age.  She wears 12 month clothes, just because I love swing tops with leggings, and I like the tops to be more like dresses.....But she swims in that size! We moved her up to size 4 diapers because I bought Kirkland brand this time, and they're pretty big on her.  I have to overlap the tabs all the way. Lots of grow room!

She sleeps in our room in her crib.  She goes to bed around 10 PM and sleeps about 5 hours, on a good night! She takes two or three naps a day, but she's getting better at trying to stay awake more.

She can pull herself up now.  She started doing that about three weeks ago.  She is still learning to use her legs and doesn't really cruise or scoot along at all.  If she wants to get somewhere she typically crawls.  She can really move when she crawls.

I so wish I could post pictures of her! That's the reason I haven't done any kind of updates on her, because we aren't able to post pictures anymore.  It's a real bummer.

She makes me so happy.  I deeply, intrinsically recognize how abundantly blessed I am to have her.  Still....


I look at her and I find myself wondering what it would be like if there were two of her.  Sometimes I can almost feel Olivia's presence as I look at Pennie. And this makes me feel guilty because my mind tells me that I ought to be more thankful for Pennie and be glad that Olivia is in Heaven.

Most of the time, these thoughts come to me out of the blue.  Mostly the memories come to me against my will.  I have tried so hard to stuff that grief and that disappointment and that sense of deep sadness.  I try to not go there, to that deep place, because I ought to be over that grief now.  At least that's what I tell myself....

The truth is, I had twins in my tummy.  I wanted those twins more than life itself.  And then, one day, Jesus came to get one of my twins, and there was just one left in my tummy.  And that is the nitty gritty of it.  

I was thinking today that I wish dearly that I had enjoyed that time more.  That I should have taken it easier on my bed rest.  That I had stroked my tummy more and talked to them more and been more grateful and shouldhavecouldhavewouldhave......

Tonight I'm just so sad.  I miss Olivia terribly.  I love Pennie so deeply.  I remember every single moment of those days, with both of them in my tummy.  My tummy hurts and my throat is tight and this is how it is when I am stuffing the things that I just can't deal with. But I fear that letting the tears flow and the memories come will devastate me and break me and scar me forever.

I went online tonight and just googled a question.  I wanted to know if there was a higher chance for me to have twins again if I've had them once.  I almost felt guilty for surfing around to the different sites out there, to the different blogs of women with multiples, because it only reminded me of what I don't have....and it made me desperately want to have twins again.  

It has been over a year since Olivia Caroline died.  October 19, 2010.  It doesn't seem like a year to me.  I see her every time I look at Pennie.  I wonder, would she still be as spunky and peppy as she was in my womb? Would they fall asleep entangled around each other? Would they share toys and talk to each other and would one walk sooner than the other? Would Olivia have a heart-shaped birth mark on her other foot?? Pennie has a tiny red heart-shaped birth mark on the inside of her left ankle, and I like to think that that was Olivia's last gift to her before she went to Heaven....

The truth is, it's just torture.  That's why I haven't dealt with any of my grief or fear or disappointment or feelings of failure there.  It's just torture and it's no good to bring it all up again, to whom?? With who am I safe to show that side of me? So then, when those feelings do come up, and the tears and sadness come, they threaten to overwhelm me and not stop and I almost can't control them anymore, and my chest feels like it's going to cave in and I've never sobbed that hard and all the feelings just come rushing in.....

I am so blessed.  I have such a fantastic life.  My family amazes me.  I am secure and loved and sheltered.  Jesus Christ died for my sins, and I acknowledge that fact.  He lives in my heart and I have a vital relationship with Him, and I know I am going to live eternally with Him.  I have so, so much to be grateful for.  I have no right to spiral into grief and sadness and I don't want to live there anymore......

But I want it back.  I want to have Olivia AND Pennie.  I know it isn't possible this side of Heaven.  But I can't help carrying around that thought and wish, deep, deep down in the depths of the place that my breath comes from, the place that my very life comes from.

And then, I listen and I can hear Pennie, in the living room, talking to her sisters, being the blessing that God called her to be.....I crave her like air, water, and more than food. I pick her up and I rub my cheek against the top of her soft, warm head, and I know that two halves of a whole cannot be separated forever. 

Monday, January 2, 2012

2011 Thoughts

I saw this on my friend's blog, and I wanted to take a stab at putting some of my jumbled thoughts about 2011 in a post.  So, here goes!

What is one truth you learned? The most important and heart-rending truth I learned last year is that all of God's judgements are right, pure, holy, true and just (Psalm 19:7-10, John 5:30) ....and in the midst of His judgements, He's infinitely compassionate.

What is something that you are proud of? Something I'm proud of is taking tiny, small baby steps to use my voice, my singing voice that God gave me, more and not being so self conscious about it. I'm learning to be proud of the voice that God gave me and learning to like singing in front of people.

What was the hardest thing of the year? Probably the hardest thing of the year was seeing my children try to live and thrive in a horrible, unhealthy, abusive situation and thinking we were going to have to live that way forever.

What is something you changed to improve the way you live? This one was easy! The single most important change that happened last year was getting out and away from the horrible, terrible, unhealthy, abusive living situation we were in!!! And being brave enough to cut off family relationships that were sucking the life out of us and breaking our spirits.

What was your favorite art or culture discovery? Well, just for fun, one of my favorite and frivolous discoveries was Agatha Christie, who my dear mother-in-law introduced me to! As far as culture, I guess I'm not very cultured at all! Ha.

What was something new that you discovered? This one is easy! Something new I discovered this year was Red Leaf Coffeehouse!!! Everyone knows how much I adore blended coffee drinks, and the drinks and staff at Red Leaf make stars come out of my eyes!!!!

What was the one experience you appreciated the most? I don't know if it qualifies as an "experience", but I most appreciate the Lord working through my husband to get us out of the dark and deathly living situation in which we were living for so long.

What was the biggest surprise from God? Can I have two answers on this one? Hey, it's my blog and I can do that if I want!! Ha.  Really, one of the things that surprised me the most was that everything that God has asked me to go through the past two years is working for my glory in Eternity....and also, rediscovering that people like to hear me sing, and it's okay to accept their compliments and really knowing that if people gush over my voice it doesn't mean I'm conceited or proud or wanting others to look at me.

What is something that inspired you? Something that inspired me last year would probably be watching other Christian women singing on stage and sharing their amazing voices and their warm anointing with others with God-given confidence, and discovering, as I watched them, that that is my passion and that I could do that too, as I let God work through me and speak through me.  I have wanted to sing to others in a concert setting for a couple of years now and just getting more and more restless to do that! I became aware a couple of years ago that as I watched singers on stage, that a passion and a drive rose up within me, more than ever before, to do the same thing, and just knowing in my heart that I could do that too....

We will see what 2012 holds!!