Janie

Today is Janie's birthday.

She would be 9 years old today.

Today, just to test myself on the Grief Scale, I clicked on the button at the top of my blog, just under that beautiful picture, and read her story.

And I felt the all-too-familiar welling up of the tornado of grief. I felt my breathing become fast and I felt those sobbing tears coming.

Still, even after 9 years and countless moments of life.

I miss her so much today.  I look at Sara and Kellie and I think how well she would fit into their group.  They'd be like the Three Muskateers.  They'd be so close and there would be another sister to laugh with and be silly with and whisper and giggle late at night with.

I would have held her.  I'd have kissed her too much.  I would have gotten to see her face when she discovered something new in her toddling ways.  I'd have gotten to put ponytails in her hair and get her up in the morning and have snuggle time.

But I didn't get to do any of that.  And right now, she doesn't need it.

For my Jane, there will never be tears.  She will never know heartbreak or grief or fear. She won't have to jump through any hoops in this earthly life.  She'll never know disappointment or sadness.  She's staring at the Author of Peace and Joy and Contentment.  She gets to walk with Him and talk with Him daily.  

She isn't lonely.  She has mansions filled with other children to play with and sing with and laugh with.  The mansion that is mine that the Lord is preparing for me is full of her siblings.

She's safe.

She'll never know a day of darkness.  She stands before the Light of the World.

You know, looking back to those terrible, intense days after she died, I remember how my heart was shrieking and crying and screaming and I remember distinctly telling my husband I didn't want to have any more babies.  That time began my fears and my anxieties with pregnancies.  There was nothing my husband or anyone else could do to get me to get pregnant again.  I can be stubborn, and I was totally done.

I think back and I feel how determined I was not to have any more kids. Remember, I was totally done.  

I remember that God came and in His gentle, determined way, He changed my heart.  It's odd that I can remember the sharp, cutting pain of the grief, but I can't remember when my heart was changed.

I do remember that if I had stayed that course that I was on in my own will, Sofia would not be here.  Lucie wouldn't even be a thought.  Pennie and Olivia wouldn't have been in my womb together at all. I think about that, and a cold shaft of fear, like ice water, courses through my veins.  If I had taken matters into my own hands, all of the blessing and joy and happiness that I see now, resulting from Janie's death, would not be.

They wouldn't be.

Yes, I would not have had 4 miscarriages and another stillborn baby.  Yes, that's true.  But I wouldn't be so fulfilled and so wrung out and so much more grown up and so much more careful about listening for the Lord and trying to daily lose my will to His will!

I know now that grief and sorrow and the killing agony of loss is intertwined with the process of a colorful, meaningful life.  Of course, I never want to go through all of that again, but I know that, as I live and breathe on this earth, as I continue to give my heart fully to the Lord, I know that that is a possibility still, if God wills it again.

The Lord told me in those weeks leading up to her death and her birth that I was going to have to trust Him.  How right He was! He told me that she would bless and change many lives.

And as I listen to the quiet, blissful breathing of my children in their beds, and I think about Sofia and Lucie and Pennie, my heart wells up within me and I think......

Thank You, Father, for the blessing that was Janie!

Though I miss you, Janie Rose, 

and though I want you here,

I'll see you soon, when He calls my name.

Give my babies a kiss for me,

but don't wait up.

Love Mama

Plowing

I know, strange title for a post, huh?

But hang in there, it'll make sense in a minute.

I read "Springs in the Valley" by Mrs Charles E Cowman.  It's a devotional book for each day of the month.  I've been reading it for years, and I've gone through it quite a few times, but each day's word never, ever has gotten old to me, and it's always so relevant to that day and/or the situation I'm going through at the time.

This morning's word was no different.

It touched me so deeply that I wanted to share it with you, for someone out there who is reading this who may be going through something similar.  May God hasten this word to your heart!

"1 Corinthians 3:9 'God's tilled land...

   The plowing and the harrowing are painful processes.  And surely the Divine Plowman is at work in the world as never before! He plows by His spirit, by His Word, and by His providences. Though painful be the processes of cultivation, they are essential. 
   If they earth could speak, it would say, 'I felt the hard plow today; I knew what was coming; when the plow point first struck me I was full of pain and distress and I could have cried out in agony, for the point was sharp and driven through me with great energy; but now, I think , this means the blade, the ear, the full ear of corn, the golden harvest and the harvest-home.'
   When the plow of God's providence first cuts up one's life, I wouldn't wonder if that one were to exclaim a little; yes, if one should give in to an hour's grief! But one may come to oneself, in the evening, and say, 'Plow on, Lord! I want my life to be plowed all over, that it may be sown all over, and that in every corner there may be the golden grain or the beautiful flowers. Pity me that I exclaimed when I first felt the plowshare. You know my frame, Lord, You remember that I am dust. But now I remember, I put two and two together; I see Your meaning, so drive on, You Plowman of Eternity!'
   He does not use the plow and harrow without intention. Where God plows, He intends to sow. His plowing is a proof that He is FOR you, not against you! 'For behold, I am for you, and I will turn unto you, and you shall be tilled and sown' (Ezekiel 36:9)
   Let us never forget that the Husbandman is never so near the land as when He is plowing it, in the very time we are tempted to think He has forsaken us!
   His plowing is a proof that He thinks you are valuable and worth chastening; for He does not waste His plow on the barren sand! He will not plow continually, but only for a time, and for a definite purpose. Soon He will close the process. 'Does the plowman plow continually to sow? Does He continually open and break the clods of His ground?' (Isaiah 18:24) NO! Soon we shall, through these painful processes and by His gentle showers of grace become His fruitful land!
   'The desolate land shall be tilled...and they shall say, This land that was desolate is become like a garden of Eden' (Ezekiel 36:34-35), and then we shall be a praise to Him!

   

Come ill, come well, the cross, the crown,

The rainbow or the thunder~~

I fling my soul and body down

For God to plow them under.

(A Prince of Captivity by John Buchan)

Telling

Would you all like to hear the story of how I told my husband that he was going to be a father again?

It's unique.  It's crazy.

I've never done something like that before.

So, let's get started.

I had actually suspected that something was brewing because of the way I was feeling.  I was S T A R V I N G! I was bawling at the drop of a hat.  And the last clue, which is a bit personal, I was late.  Now, that may not be a big deal to most of you, but for me, when you can set your watch by my cycle, it was significant.

BUT

I had been late before recently and hadn't seen two pink lines come up on the stick, so I was very hesitant to test this time.

VERY HESITANT.

I had so many feelings going through my heart and so many thoughts going through my mind.  I was trying to deny my body.  I was making excuses for what was probably undeniable.  I was avoiding the truth because I couldn't handle the potential disappointment.

I actually wasn't going to test when I did.  We were going to a big state homeschool convention that weekend and I didn't want to go through my weekend being totally devastated.  So, I decided to take a test on May 10th, when I was really, really late and there was no denying it anymore.

One of my friends gave me some stirling advice.  She said that I wasn't going to be any more pregnant or not pregnant whether I chose to wait to take a test or to take a test right away.  

Another of my friends said I wasn't going to jinx anything by testing then or testing later.

I still wasn't sure.  I waffled.  I talked to my BFF.  I couldn't make up my mind!

Finally, I caved. After talking to my BFF, the next morning, after I dropped my husband off at work early, I went straight to my favorite grocery store and straight to That Aisle.

You know the aisle.

The aisle that can make your heart pound just by standing there.  The aisle that can make you bite your fingernails in trepidation or make your heart sing for joy.

That Aisle.

I picked a test with two testers. I think it was First Response. As I stood there in that aisle, my hands were shaking.  My pulse was racing.  I had to regulate my breathing, lest I dissolve into a freaky pool of nervous anxiety right there.

And I went straight home and took the test.

I usually close my eyes after I put the lid back on and lay it on the counter.  Yes, I'm an expert at taking these little tests.  I told myself I wasn't going to look at all until the three minutes was up.  I began to walk out of the bathroom.......and I, against my will, happened to glance down at the test.

It had been about three seconds since I had laid the stick down on my counter.

I don't know, maybe I just wanted to make sure it was working.....

But I looked.

And there were two DARK pink lines.  

I freaked.  

Quietly, of course, because everyone was still sleeping.

And, before I could think about it reasonably, I grabbed that stick, stuck it in my purse, and I walked out the door and jumped into my van. I made the fastest beeline you'd ever seen for the post office.  I knew my husband would still be there.  He'd just gotten there not 20 minutes before!

I walked right into the back of the post office, like I always do, and I waited there like a just-lit firecracker for my husband to look up from his post.  I was hyperventilating.  I was shaking.  I was dangerously close to sobbing!

He saw me and came toward me.

He must have seen the strangest look on my face because he was instantly concerned.

He said, "WHAT?"

And I took that stick out of my purse and held it up, right up, in front of his eyes.

It took him a moment to focus on what was in my hand.

But once he did, he said, "OH MY GOODNESS!"

And he got tears in his eyes! They almost overflowed.  

He was so surprised! Since I hadn't firmed up when I was going to test, I think he thought I was still shooting for testing on May 10th, which was two weeks away.

His reaction was so sweet and so gratifying!

I saved that little stick for many weeks.  

In fact, I just threw it away after I posted that picture! 

This pregnancy is such a massive blessing to us.  We are stunned and surprised and ecstatic.

And I don't think there's any reason to take that second test!

Awwww

Well.

You guys are the greatest!

I was so blessed and happy to read all of your comments on my post announcing my pregnancy.  

I want to extend a major, huge thank you to all of you who left me a sweet comment on that post.  It's nice to know ya'll are excited for us.

It also helps to know that a lot of you out there are praying for me too.  If you know even a little bit of my history, you know that there has been a lot of grief and sorrow and loss here.  I'm sure you can imagine the fears and anxiety that might plague me....

But strangely, I'm doing pretty well.

I think it's all of your prayers!!

I feel pretty peaceful about this pregnancy so far.  I'm not plagued by "what if's" and I'm not waking up in the middle of the night with severe anxiety.  I was pretty scared in the beginning...I admit that.  But right now, as of this week, I feel that I have no control over this baby, it's God's plan all the way, and fear and worry and anxiety and nervousness is not going to sway the plan.....actually, it's just going to send harmful toxins through my body that won't be good for me OR Baby!

God has a plan for this baby,whether we see this pregnancy through or He chooses to take this baby too.  He is totally in charge and I realize that this week....

I say "this week" because my feelings are subject to change on a dime, unfortunately!

But so far, I've been really, really easy and peaceful and not nervous at all this time around.

I attribute it to all of you who are praying for me!

If you'll let me be selfish, I covet your prayers throughout this pregnancy, and periodically I'll update you on what to pray for too......

Here's something you can pray for: I see my midwife, who has never treated me for a pregnancy before, at 10 AM on May 22nd.  She'll do blood work and she does have an ancient ultrasound machine in her office, and she'll do an ultrasound to see what she can see.  I know I'll probably be pretty nervous! So just pray!! Since both of our cars are broken down right now (the van for the second time in two weeks), it'll be fun to see HOW I'm going to get to that appointment!! :)

On an unrelated but kind of related rabbit trail:

I really want to post more!! I'm going to try to post every other day......the weather is beautiful and there's a lot going on and it's fun to share the pictures my girls take!!

So, thanks SO much for your great, kind and supportive comments! I need you as my cheerleaders right now!!

Look

Needless to say, I beg you for your prayers.

We are due December 27th.

I'm seeing a midwife this time, and my first appointment is May 22.

Thanks so much for your prayers!

God Sees

This is the last part of the very, very good talk we heard at the conference I went to this winter.

I found myself reading over these points again and marveling at how deeply and how much they touched me still! I don't know about you, but I always need to be reminded of what God really wants for me and what He really has for me......

Otherwise, I forget and I start acting like a wretched, icky, grouchy and discontent Mama.

Nobody wants to see that!

Please read this last installment!

Katie's Blog

18

Well, it's official.

My firstborn, one-and-only son is now 18.

He turned 18 last Wednesday.

My heart.....oh, my heart!

It is so amazing and surreal to look at my very-tall son and see him grown up.

It is also surreal to be old enough to say I have an 18 year old child.

I never, ever imagined in my wildest, best dreams that I'd have one child, let alone 8 here on earth!

My reality really is a fantastic fantasy! It's made so wonderful by my son, who is really such a gentleman.  He is so loving and protective of me and we are a LOT alike in a lot of ways.  He just finished writing his first book and is now writing the second book in the series.  He's intelligent and very studious.  He has made me so proud of the man he has become!! And I don't even care if those sentences sound cheesy or braggy, it's the total truth!!

A lot of people say that because my son has 7 sisters, that he will be a great husband.  I do think it is true because he is learning how to treat a lady, and how ladies like to be loved and taken care of.  He has an edge over families with lots of boys!

I've included a few pictures from his first months and really, he hates to have his picture taken, so the most recent picture isn't all that recent.

Here he is at 3 months old.  He was really, really cute and really, really small!

Our son at 6 months old.  I was propping him up under the blanket!

Here he is at 10 months.  He really looks like his sister Kellie!

The day he turned one!!

And finally, a picture of him at 11 on one of our vacations.

So, there's a small glimpse at our only son.  We feel that it is so symbolic that God gave us a son for our first child.  He has lived up to everything we hoped for one of our children.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for him as he progresses through manhood!