Friday, October 19, 2012


Today marks the two year anniversary of Olivia Caroline's flight to Heaven.

I've been contemplating this post for quite some time now, as I looked at the calendar, and as I marked the approach of this day.

I remember that day, and that trip down to the doctor. I recall hoping, straining, begging God to not let this be happening again.  I would have done anything not to hear those shattering words.....

She's dead.

I had to use all of my mental reserve not to become hysterical on that table, in that dim, still room.  I remembering whispering, "please God, not again!"

I remember like it was yesterday.

Oh, how I wish I did not.

I found this letter recently.  It was written in May, exactly 3 months to the day after they were born.  Pennie was born first, at 9:30 AM, and then, 12 minutes later, Olivia was born.  I wrote this letter out of a place of devastation and intense grief.....emotions which I prayed I would never have to feel again.

I recall the day I found out I was carrying twins.  I was 4 1/2 months pregnant.  It was the biggest and most stunning surprise of my life! I was over the moon with joy and excitement! I walked out of that office sobbing, carrying a long strip of tons of pictures of my identical twin girls!!! I'm quite sure my feet never touched the ground after that day.....

A few days later, my girls and I went to Target to register, because alas, I needed LOTS of stuff!!! I remember two pairs of tiny, precious white suede boots.....the matching Boppys covered in green and red apples....the socks....the diapers.....

Alas, it was not to be. And my feet came crashing down to earth.

And I'm still, these two years later, trying to become serene with God's plan, His sovereign plan, for Olivia, and ultimately, for me.  I want so badly to be reconciled to His will.  I want so deeply to be okay with His decision.  He is a good God.  He is so kind and merciful to me! I have so many blessings that I am entirely unworthy of and do not deserve, but He has given them to me of His free will and His lovingkindness.  I want so strongly to be focused on thanksgiving.....I want so badly to stop wanting to have twins again, in that place in my heart that feels cheated, and maybe a second set of twins will redeem that feeling....

But friends, for me, thanksgiving is a process.

A painful, rending, difficult process.

So, finding this letter is a part of my process.  Seeing the scrapbook page I  made for The Babies is a reminder.....

Please permit me to share excerpts from this letter with you all....and please pray for me as my will and God's will become one.

"Olivia, you will always be in my heart.  You will always be in my thoughts.  I will never, to my final breath, forget that I carried two lives, two halves that made a beautiful whole.  I will forever cherish those months spent holding you, nurturing you in that secret place.  I will try to gain some sense of comfort in the fact that you were in the most loving place when you died......I will never forget feeling you move with your sister, side by side, curled up together, two halves of the same shell~~and your heartbeats, perfectly in sinc~~music~~ music to my ears, joy to my heart! I will remember those days till my dying day, and beyond too.....Olivia, your sister Pennie, your twin, brings me so much joy!  I notice sometimes that I almost crave her, to hold her, to inhale all of her sweetness.  She fills the place in my heart that is hers.  She fills that place, yes, and that place even overflows at times.  Though she does not fill your place in my heart, I am trying to give that to the Lord and let Him fill it.  It will always be your place.  I will be looking forward to seeing you someday and finally easing the ache that your death has left in the very depths of my being.  I know that the phantom pains in my other arm, the arm that was designed to hold you, I know that those pains will be gone on that day when we are reunited.  I know I can look at Pennie, your mirror image, and catch a glimpse of you.  Now you dance for Jesus! Now you behold the face of God! How wondrous! How unfathomable! How glad that makes me! and sing and twirl and fly, baby girl!" Written on May 20, 2011

Thank you for reading my blog and praying for me and supporting me!!


Theresa said...

I am sorry for your loss. It is beautiful to read how you are trusting the Lord in all of this. May our Lord continue to be your strength.

Erin said...

In tears. What a journey you have walked and are still walking, my bloggy friend. I love what you said in your letter about realizing that P can't fill O's place in your heart...that would be a lot of pressure on one little girl. BUT. You know that our Lord CAN fill that space. What grace and faith you must possess to even allow yourself to process that. Prayed just now for you and your heart. May God hold them both extra tightly today.

Erin said...

Also, one of my other sweet bloggy friends experienced a strikingly similar loss during her first pregnancy, and I thought maybe knowing you aren't alone in this experience might help the grieving process. Her blog is: