Thursday, October 21, 2010

Taking a Breath


First, let me say I'm totally BLESSED by all of your comments! I mean, people I don't even know have made me feel so loved and so watched over! Thank you, Devin, for rallying your friends on my behalf, and on Pennie's behalf.  I've never felt so well taken care of.  I'd like to respond to everyone who commented personally, but I don't know if that's in me right now......But I want every single one of you to know that I will treasure your comments forever.

So, it's The Aftermath.  I've been able to regroup a bit, to Take a Breath.

How am I doing?

What am I thinking?

I can try to answer those questions here, briefly.  I'm not sure how many words I have, right now.

I will say that the shattered, broken pieces of us that had fallen on the ground and all over are being refitted into another picture.  I can't see the whole picture yet, but I'm accepting this New Reality that God obviously has for us.  I feel less broken, most moments.  I feel more broken, some moments! How's that for contradiction? Seriously, I don't know what the next days, or weeks, or months, are going to look like.  But God only makes Beauty.  It may be tragic Beauty.  It may be devastating Beauty.  But in the end, it's Beauty to Him if one can glorify and honor His name in the midst of shattered, broken pieces.

I so dearly want to do that! I want everyone who looks at me, right now, to see God's faithfulness.  I want them to see His light shining out of me.....I want to be a living incense to Him! I don't know how to do that.  But I will just keep praising Him and thanking Him and talking to Him, even when I don't feel like it.  It's all I know how to do, in this New Reality.

So far, Pennie seems to be doing well.  She feels like she's getting stronger in there.  She's still kicking and spinning and moving around.  Believe me, I am intensely aware of every tiny bubble from her!

I can say that I'm glad I trusted my instincts and went in to the doctor.  My regular OB sent me straight down to my peri's office to have an ultrasound.  I'm glad I went.  I'm glad I didn't just write my feelings off as paranoid or silly.  My instincts were right on.  I just had a feeling, after Olivia hadn't moved for an hour or so, that she was gone.  She was the active, VERY active one.  So, even though I had to hear very sad news, I'm still glad I went.

What will happen now? Well, I'll carry both babies till Pennie is ready to be born.  Nobody knows when that will be.  We're all hoping that it's nice and long and that Pennie stays in there and cooks up healthy.

I'm going in for what's called an anatomic study, which was supposed to be on both babies, on Monday. It's standard at my peri's office.  It's a long ultrasound in which they take measurements of everything and look at all organ systems and things like that, essentially to see if the Baby is healthy and developing normally.  It's even more important to have this done on Pennie right now, in light of Olivia's death, to get a read on how she's doing.  Many twins, upon the death of one twin, go on to be born healthy and happy.  So that's what we're looking for, a healthy remaining Twin.

I'll tell you, we were just starting to come out of the stunned and surprised fog of hearing we were having twins to being really, REALLY excited and starting to work on getting things ready for their arrival.  It's only been less than three weeks ago that I laid in that room and got the most wonderful, most flabbergasting news of my life.  What a roller coaster these past weeks have been.

I never liked roller coasters.  I still don't.

You know what, though? Yes, I'm walking this road again.  Yes, I will have a stillborn baby.  BUT!

I've not lost everything, as I did with Janie.

I won't have empty arms! God willing.  There are TWO babies in there and I'm going to do everything within my power to make sure that we come home with one baby!

I'm still the mother of Twins.  I'm still a Multiple Mom.  Olivia has not vanished.

Another interesting and strangely comforting thought that I didn't get to have with Janie is that Pennie is the mirror image of Olivia, so, we will never wonder what Olivia would have looked like! We will always know, when we look at Pennie.  Whenever I wonder, all I have to do is look at Pennie.  A bittersweet musing, but one that I hope will bring great solace in the months to come.

I guess that's it, in a sort-of nutshell! You guys know I'm just not a nutshell girl!

I do have a couple of prayer requests.

I struggle the most at night.  My mind won't stop turning.  I dearly, deeply desire sweet, peaceful sleep.  I NEED peaceful sleep, for my health, but most of all for Pennie's health.  Please pray for peace and serenity at night for me.  I do not want to take sleeping pills.  Besides, I know God can do this for me!!

PLEASE PRAY FOR PENNIE! I don't know what God's will is for her, but I know I want her desperately now.  Pray that she will thrive.  Pray that she will grow.  Pray that she will stay in there till her appointed time to be born.

Please pray for my appetite.  My calorie intake is severely lacking; in fact, I don't even think I'm getting enough calories for myself, let alone Pennie.  I want her to be healthy and plump and have everything she needs in there, but I have to get extra calories.  It's much more important now.  I must eat but don't really feel like eating.  So Pray for my appetite!

And please, pray for labor and delivery.  I desire a peaceful labor and a joyful delivery.  I know God can, because every single labor and delivery I've had, even Janie's, has been easy and peaceful.  Please pray for a minimum of bleeding and a quick delivery.

I guess that's about it.  Again, I'm so blessed by all of you.  I'm so humbled that you all, even if you don't know me,  have come together to bless my family with the benediction of your prayers and thoughts and offers of help.  Even on Facebook, people that I don't even know have been praying.


And God bless, abundantly, overflowingly, each one of you!


Karen said...

Thank you for specifics, so we know how to lift you up. I am checking your site often to get updates. God is working...that is evident in your precious post!


Kathryn said...

You are an amazing woman Leanne. You are such an encouragement to me. I will pray for you before I go to sleep tonight, that your sleep will be peaceful and restful. If the Lord wakes me during the night, I'll pray for you again. I love you, my friend...

Gayle said...

Sweet Leanne.. you are on my mind almost constantly. I have been and will continue to pray. Thank you for specific prayer requests, especially the one regarding your appetite. I will definitely lift those up. Much love to you..

Emily said...

I am so, so encouraged by your attitude during all of this. Can't wait to meet Pennie!

Missionfieldof5 said...

Dear Leanne,
I came here via Kathryn...I couldn't help but come and lend my prayers. My second pregnancy was twins and we lost one early on. We do not know if that was a boy or a girl. in 2007 I went through 3 miscarriages and was blessed with a son and then we lost him to a stillborn birth...I carried him for 8 weeks before the Lord decided it was the right time for him to be born. I then went through three miscarriages after him.

Our faith does not waiver even in the midst of such loss...Our Father God is faithful to us and just desiring for our faith to be as strong as his.

My prayers will be with you throughout this journey...I am just moving over from another blogging platform and I hope to have a page up dedicated to my son Corban :)

God Bless~~

Michelle said...

Speechless...I will continue to pray for all of you.

Duckygirl said...

You are an encouragement and the Lord's faithfulness is definitely showing through you!! Thank you for the specifics you have given so that all of us can pray for you.

Lots of love and prayers,

Mrs. S said...

Oh, Leanne, I am so very, very sad...
I have been and will continue to be praying for you as you walk through this valley.

Devin said...

Of course, you know I will be praying.

I love the fact that you mentioned you will never wonder about Olivia, in a sense of what she looked like, because you will always have Pennie. What a true gift from God that is! :)