Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Dear Father.....

Dear Father,

I just wanted You to know that I'm standing here, on this Road of Grief, again, and I decided that I can't walk another step down this Road.  I don't want to! I can't! Please, do not make me go here again. Please, I want to turn around! Please God, get me off of this Road.  I know where it leads! It's anguish! It's pain! It's months of tears and sadness! Please God, I can't! I can't do this again!!

Lord, it is so dark on this Road! It is so cold.  I am so lonely.  There is fear down this Road.  There are questions.  There are things that I can't see.  The fog snakes around my feet and curls up my legs, trying to find its way into my soul.  Please, is this a dream? Please take me away from here!

My Abba, do you hear me? Can you hear my soul shrieking in agony? Can you see me take deep breaths to push down the hysterical sobs that rise from the depths of my being? WHY do I have to visit this place again? WHY? Why do I find myself trying to hold the mask of normalcy onto my face so that it doesn't slip and scare everyone with what's really there? WHY???

My God, I just want to wake up tomorrow morning and find that this has all been a terrible nightmare.  I just want time to rewind, back to two weeks ago, when my Babies were healthy and happy.  I crave that! Please, please, help me here on this Road that You, in your faithfulness, have chosen again for me!

Emmanuel, You decided that we should have twins. We would have been so grateful for just one, but You took that one egg, days after conception, and decided to split it in two, forming my Babies, all the while, knowing that one of them would not get to be ours.  WHY? Oh God, dear Father, you gave us the deepest desire of our hearts and then, took it away.  Lord, please, let this cup pass from me! My spirit quakes within me with fear! My very marrow is washed with deep agony! Do You see??

It is the fondest wish of my being to not walk this Road of Grief again.  Lord, I am well acquainted with this place! I know what it's like here! WHY do I have to do this again?

Lord, I see that You cannot, in your sovereignty, remove me from this path. I will work on accepting my lot.  Father,  please give me what I need to have a firm step and a steady eye as I walk down this Road.  May I walk so as to glorify You each step.

And Lord, may I feel You here, because my mind knows that You are here, but my heart suddenly can't see or feel You.  Balm of Gilead, annoint my head with the oil of peace in the midst of these rising winds.  Lord, though I can't see Your hand, I will close my eyes and see it from memory of all the times when You have met me and pulled me up out of the ditch on the side of the Road.  Would You please hold me? Yes, hold me.  Still my shaking.  Lord, I believe deep down that this Road will yield good and blessing and joy......somewhere, some day.

I just wanted You to know what I'm thinking, Lord.  Blessed be the Name of the Lord forever.  Amen.


Susan said...

Thank you so much for sharing this and being so transparent. Praying for you as walk down this road.

Gayle said...

What a powerful prayer, Leanne. Because in your weakness, He is strong.
The Psalms are filled with petitions to God just as real and heartfelt as this one. He loves you more deeply than any of us could ever fathom, even when we cannot understand His painful Providences.
And remember, that mask is unnecessary with true Christian sisters, no matter what the enemy wants you to believe. I'm glad you had the courage not to wear it.

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

Love you.

Kathryn said...

I have no heart just hurts with you my friend. I love you.