Friday, July 11, 2008

A Hard Post

I've started reading a new book.

Marsha sent it to me. Marsha is the best kind of friend, because she is funny, witty, and sweet, but most of all, because she cares about my soul. She spurs me on!

So, I started reading Beautiful In God's Eyes by Elizabeth George. It is an in depth study of the Proverbs 31 woman.

I just started it this morning, and already I'm convicted. I'm challenged. My thoughts are provoked.

Before I started reading it, I did just what Mrs. George suggested the reader do: I prayed that God would open my eyes to the truths in the book that I needed to see. I prayed that He would soften my heart. I prayed that He would forgive me for being hard and stubborn and lax.

Allow me to digress.....

My attitude and lack of vigilance had gotten so bad that it culminated in a huge fight with my husband the other night, in which I threw my cell phone across the room, cussed at my husband, and though he stood in front of the door and forbade me to leave, I did anyway......

I tore down everything that God had done in my heart in the past three years in one fell swoop. I dishonored my husband, deeply hurt him, and shamed myself in the process. I became as rottenness to his bones.......In that one short moment, I became contention. My heart was full of rage, selfishness, and wrath, and it all came spewing out, all over my gentle and unsuspecting husband.

My heart still hurts just thinking about it!

I had allowed myself to get indolent and insouciant.

And when I stormed out of the house, God did not allow me to go alone. Nope. He went with me. Our God is like that. There is no place on earth that I can go to get away from His love. Not up to the farthest reaches of the heavens. Not even to the darkest depths of the sea.

As I pulled into Janie's Place, I got out of the car and crumpled on the grass, close to her. It's peaceful and beautiful there and the Lord has met me there so many times.

I didn't cry. My heart was too dry and shriveled for that. But I did pray. I asked God to please forgive me and to take me out of the dry, barren place I was in.

I didn't want to come home. I felt that I had destroyed the peace of our home. I felt I had soiled the holiness that dwells here and didn't deserve to enter into my husband's home.

I did come home, but I sat out in the van. I was so ashamed and embarrassed and the knowing that I had made my husband ashamed was nearly my undoing.

I got out of the van and sat on one of the chairs on our front porch. I was just to scared and too abashed to go in.

After a while my husband came out and I couldn't even look at him.

In the end, everything was put to rights. My husband forgave me and when I told him I was not good enough to share his bed and that I would sleep on the couch, he wouldn't hear of it.

He invited me back in. He gathered me up and in that moment, he put my heart back together.

Doesn't that sound just like our God??

It took me about two days to get over what I had done.

Since then, I realized all of my anger had nothing to do with my husband. I realized the reasons why I was upset and hurt, and yes, even so mad at God.

Through the preaching of S.M Davis, I had a revelation. I saw that I didn't understand why God had done the things that He has done to me. I wasn't okay with the fact that He can because He is sovereign.

That was a major a-ha! moment for me.

So, this book has come to me at just the right time. The Lord has once again tenderized my heart and is bringing me out of this hard and parched place that was of my own making.

Would you yourself be brave enough to get the book and allow God to shake up your heart again?


Michelle said...

Thank you for being so real with us! That took great guts! I will add this book to my must read list. Thanks.

Duckygirl said...

It takes guts to admit you were wrong and to tell us all about it. Thank you for being open with us!


Oh, and I just ordered the book :)

ConservaChick said...

Elizabeth George is amazing. I've done the Excellent Wife study quite a few times. In fact, everytime I'm extra nice to my hubby, he asks "have you been reading that wife book again? It's my favorite!" ~K

runningtothecross said...

Oh Leanne!

I know exactly where you are coming from...and all I can say is to give it to God...ALL of it.

Yes, He does follow us everywhere we go, doesn't He...and He comforts us if we allow Him in our hearts.

Trust me, you are not the only one who "breaks"...but sometimes, God has to break our hearts before He can once again enter in.

My biggest challenge was my ectopic see, I was at risk of dying if I didn't have surgery to remove my tube (& possibly ovary)... and if I did, I was at risk of killing a living baby... but it all came down to the fact that my husband needs me we trusted, and God answered... the pathology report came back and no baby was found in my tube or ovary!

What an awesome God we serve, Huh!?

The one thing I learned from this experience is: NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, happens outside of the will of God...He has a purpose for each and every thing that happens to us, and He uses those experiences to draw us nigh unto Him!

My faith is not my own, it's God's...He is the owner of my faith!


Emily said...

Other women need to hear posts like this. Strike that, ALL women do! It's nice to know that even calm women get crazy now and then. And I had the chance to hear SM Davis speak, in fact, I have one of his CD's. He totally challenged me! loved it.

Renata said...

I love that book!!! I read it (& did the study) last year & it has touched me so much. I am currently doing Elizabeth George's "God's garden of grace" study/book during my quiet time!
I feel like I am getting to know you better & the more I read the more I like - you are so real & I love that.
I have been struggling a lot lately also & unfortunately take it out on my family too. Praise God he forgive & loves us & teaches us through these times.
Renata :)

By the way I made your creamy chicken divine recipe last night for dinner & it is DELICIOUS!!! The whole family LOVED it, so 12 thumbs up from our household!! - I even had leftovers for lunch today YUM! So now you have recipe fans from Australia - anticipating the next one!

heartathome said...

Leanne, thank you for sharing with such honesty and humility! Praisimg the Lord for His gracious forgiveness, as well as your husband's. I have been mulling over purchasing a different book by Elizabeth George (Excellent Wife that conservachick mentions) and your recommendation encourages me even more to just do it! May our Great God continue to do a beautiful work in your heart!

Gayle @ thewestiecrew said...

This was such a good post.
I tell you, I have wigged out like that on Mark in the past and the shame of it is horrid.
Again, this was an excellent post.

Tiffany said...

Great post! I really need to get that book. Your submissive heart towards your husband truly touches me. I needed to be reminded of that--especially since I've been very hormonal to my poor husband lately!

I updated my blog--are you happy??!! :)
Love ya!

Christine said...

Oh your post brought tears to my eyes. I have been at the place you were so many times I can't even count. I never showed the humbleness you did though. I will definitely check out that book. Marsha does always bring things up that make you think doesn't she? :D

StaceyStace said...

Hi, I'm new to your blog, but I just wanted to say that this post brought tears to my eyes. I and my husband joke that we get along great 99.9 percent of the time, but because we are both so stinking stubborn, when we do disagree its ugly. God has certainly used this to bring us to our knees, but our last argument included me smashing 2 phones. (It gave me my space, miserable as I was to be in it.) ugh. I'm just saying, I totally sympathyze with you on this and understand how ashamed you felt --and I'm glad you had the courage to share it.

Marcie said...

Thank you for sharing yourself!

I will have to check that book out!

Anonymous said...

I had tears in my eyes reading this. I have similar things too and it is so hard to get through them. But the Lord is good isn't he, as he guides us through the rough spots. I have had years of pent up anger and i am slowly lettin git all go and healing.

Marsha Marsha Marsha said...

Oh Leanne! Look at how behind I got on catching up with you. Thank you first for your kind words about me. :-) You are such a dear, sweet friend and I am so glad that God brought you into my life!

Second, wow. It is so hard and humbling to share the sinful, selfish side of ourselves. Man oh man, I have definitely BTDT too!!! And apologized MANY times over! God is so good to forgive us and bring us closer to Him... if first we come to the end of ourselves. And sometimes we don't see how low we have gotten until we see how much we've hurt those that are the dearest and closest to us-- our husband!

You are a blessing to many, Leanne-- whether sharing your joys or your struggles!