Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Life Girl

Very soon we have another gal having a birthday in our house.  And that gal's birthday is in three days!

Friday, Sofia Elisabeth will turn 6 years old.

We sometimes call her our Life Girl.  Let me explain a bit:

Sofia was our first pregnancy after Janie Rose went to be with Jesus.  I waited for two and a half years to try again.  The reason I say *I* waited is because my husband did not want to wait to try again to get pregnant.  He wanted to try again right away.  And I was just too broken to hand my fertility back to the Lord after taking it from Him when our Jane left us.  So my husband was gracious enough to let me wait.  Even though he wanted another baby so badly, he didn't pressure me or berate me.  I was grateful......

It took me two and a half years to even have an inkling of wanting to have another baby.  It terrified me deeply to think of having another baby and I was hideously tormented to think that God might take another one of our babies home to Him......

And then came the day when I was just comfortable enough with the idea of having a baby again.....and we saw two pink lines on the stick!

Fear and doubt gripped me tightly and it was the hardest pregnancy I have ever had, emotionally.  It was a breeze, physically.  I was watched like a hawk by my doctors. 

The day she was born was one of the sweetest and most victorious days of my entire life.  Through Sofia, God brought my heart back to life.  He showed me that I was capable again of loving without reservation.  He allowed her to bring back to life what was dead and old and He painted new colors in my world where all of the color had faded to gray. 

I loved Sofia with a desperate sort of abandon as soon as she was in my arms.  I gave everything I had to her.

And she didn't die.

She has graced our lives with so much Life and sparkle and joy and laughing and wild and silly music!

Six years of never really thinking of being without her forever.  Six beautiful years of her filling her place in our family!

I'm thankful to God.  Deeply.  I now know that with Sofia, my love didn't kill her.  I loved her enough to get her here.  There was nothing I did to end her life, praise God.  That's good to know.

And even as I fight those voices that tell me that the new death that came when Olivia flew was my fault, Sofia still fills my heart.  God still teaches me through her.

Happy 6th birthday, Life Girl!


Lori said...

Beautiful post. Beautiful words your sweet little Life Girl will treasure always!

Kathryn said...

I like how you spell Elisabeth. That is how I spelled Madison's middle name. It's the Biblical spelling, and I love it. I have the same middle name, but my mom spelled mine with a "z". :)