Thursday, December 2, 2010

Pennie and Stuff

Today I went South for another appointment/ultrasound.  The appointment was supposed to be on the 23rd of November, but we were iced in totally up here then and I had to cancel.  So, I have to say it was a loooong time to go without seeing Pennie.  I have to say, I've gotten used to and so comfortable with "seeing" her every two weeks.

To update, she is now 2 lbs 9 oz!!! She's gained a pound since my last check up! She's a baby porker! Ha.  She was so active.  She even was opening her mouth for us, like she was searching for fingers to suck on.  I suspect that she already is a finger/thumb sucker, because every time we see her, she's got her hands up by her face.

Everything looks great with her.  Her kidneys are functioning great.  The cord is working great.  Her little heart was beating away, bumpity-bump.  She was bum-down, which means her buns were in the birth canal.

Unbeknownst to me, I had placenta previa, which, if anyone doesn't know what that is, it's when the placenta is totally or partially covering the birth canal. As long as the placenta is covering the cervix, vaginal delivery is totally impossible, and premature detachment can occur, leading to extreme blood loss and even bleeding to death.  Today the placenta had moved, so it is now only a low-lying placenta.  Whew.  Placenta previa is not good, and I'm glad that it moved.  It's right next to my cervix.  I am aware of how God delivered me with that situation, and I am deeply grateful.

Please permit me to be very candid here, friends, concerning Olivia.  She is very, very tiny.  She weighs probably 8 ounces or so, and they said I probably won't even know when she's born, that I probably won't even feel it.  They also said that, concerning the condition she's in at birth, they may not even let us see her or even tell us she's born, in case it is an extreme case of deterioration.  That is okay with me.  I'm coming to grips with things, concerning my Olivia.  I just pray that God gives us special grace and peace to handle things at the time of delivery.

I had to have a fun "exam" today, by a doctor I didn't know, who IS NOT my wonderful regular Dr W.  My cervix looked suspicious, so they also did a fetal fibronectin test, which can tell whether I'm at high risk for pre-term labor in the next few weeks.  Thank God, the test came back negative, which means there's little chance of going into labor within the next month or so.  Praise God!!!! I don't mind telling you all that I was waaaaay scared! I was by myself, with Sara and Kellie out in the waiting room.  I had a pretty intense prayer time with the Lord while waiting for the doctor.  He even talked about giving me a steroid shot today to help mature Pennie's lungs, and also hospitalizing me for the duration of the pregnancy!!!!! I feel like, again, God delivered me today.  And I praise Him and thank Him for that.

Today I was contemplating finding out fairly late in my pregnancy that we were having twins, and wondering why we didn't see it sooner on ultrasound or hear a double heart beat, or even have a clue from my elevated pregnancy hormones upon having an initial pregnancy test at the doctor's office.  And I feel that God gently spoke to my heart and I saw how, if I had had my whole pregnancy to bond deeply with both Olivia and Pennie, then the loss of Olivia would have been that much harder to bear. Actually, it might not have been bearable.  I feel like God really has shepherded us through the whole pregnancy.  That is not to say that I did not bond deeply with Olivia.  But I think you all know what I mean.  It's only been two months since we have known that we were having twins, and it has been a whirlwind.  I just barely had time to really adjust to the idea of two identical babies when we found out that Olivia had died.  It was only three weeks.  And I have to tell you all that it was the most blessed I've ever been, and I am so thankful that I got to carry these babies together as long as I did.  I feel, right now, so sheltered and I do see God's hand all over my pregnancy, and all over each one of these babies.

I also have to tell you that I would definitely want to have twins again.  6 weeks ago, I didn't even ever want to be pregnant again.  I was pretty devastated.  But God has a way of changing hearts and He has moved on mine.  In the past, after we would bear the loss of another baby, I would be so petrified to get pregnant, and worried about it all the time.  And once I did get pregnant, the worry and anxiety over being able to sustain the pregnancy was strong.  But now, I feel that my heart has really started to change and see that God's hand is present, even in death.  He orchestrates every single thing for good, and that means tragedy and trials and sufferings too.  So, I guess I'm coming around more fully to His will for my life and my future fertility much more than my own will.

Another note: I do have to be more serious and buckle down more on the bed rest thing.  I do have to let the children take care of me more.  I will take Dr's orders more seriously from here out! I promise! Can anyone recommend some good books to me, for the next 7 weeks?? Thanks!

I'm now really 7 months on the dot, according to Pennie's growth.  I can't believe it's already been 7 months and I'm looking at the last three months of this blessed pregnancy.  I'm soooo blessed.

I would like to leave you with a last thought: won't you consider looking back over your life, over your hard times and your seeming times of desolation, and trying to see where God was showing you something? Maybe you could write down what you think He was saying.  Won't you try to listen more acutely for His whisper? I bet you'll be surprised and blessed by what you see and hear! And let me know how God has sustained you or spoken to you or shown you something! Leave me a comment!

7 comments:

Karen said...

Leanne,
You had a very "newsy" visit with the doctor. A lot to process, but I am so glad that the news was good=).

Are you still at the address you used to send me that card? I would love to send you a card in the mail. Maybe email me your address again.

Yes, let the kids do more. I know it is so hard to stay put, but at least it is approaching winter and you can 'hibernate' for a while.=)

Praying for you...
Karen

Missionfieldof5 said...

Oh my Leanne,
If I may offer a suggestion....please keep it on the table with your physicians that you want the final say as to whether or not you will get to see Olivia...please do not let them say they won't let you see her....

I carried my son Corban for 7 weeks 5 days before he was born...he only weighed 7 oz...he is perfectly formed, he was protected in his amniotic sac and there was no deterioration. As far as the birth, I gave birth to him naturally...you can feel it, please do not let them make you think you won't or can't this is a special baby to be born at its time.

I know everyone's pregnancy and each birth is not the same and not to be compared....however, I just want to encourage you to lean on the Lord for these decisions and not let the scare or fear tactics of the hospital turn you away from that chance to share some special time with Olivia...she may no longer be alive her on earth, but those precious kisses you get to have with her will be so treasured...

I am going to post some beautiful pictures of my son Corban...they will be on my blog and if you feel comfortable then you can come and see him.

May the Lord guide you and bless you.

Melissa

Missionfieldof5 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
My Little Warriors said...

I love reading of your journey and How the Lord is shaping you. He loves you SO much Leanne... SO MUCH!
For me the Lord has sustained me through many dark days with my boys. Just feeling hopeless when it comes to thier special needs. I can't even being to express how very painfull it is when you are told that your son may never talk or be able to live a "normal" life... though my children did not pass away, it felt like a never ending death. But God gave me hope and restored my soul and he brought me through and has been healing my boys. I still worry... but i cling to hope and peace.

Renata said...

Hi Leanne
I've also found it so true that as I look back over the most difficult times of my life, I see how God has sustained me & also drawn me closer to Him - my faith has been strengthened through it.
I'm praying for you & will continue - so pleased to hear precious Pennie is going well.
Love to you & have a great weekend (keeping extra quiet :) )
Renata:)

Sweet Annabelle said...

Hi! Don't know if I've ever left a comment on your blog, but I keep up with your posts and admire the work the Lord is performing in the life of your family -- and you! I suffered the loss of one of our children, early in pregnancy. Her due date was December 26th, so I always think of her (I think that baby as a 'she') at this time of year, especially. I have a few posts about the experience on my blog, too. The Lord was so tangibly present with me during that time, although that suffering was so personally acute and piercing. Recently, during a bout with thyroid cancer, I came to know Him in new ways that brought such unexpected JOY that I'm sure some thought I was a little tipped. hahahaha But He is so infinitely GOOD to bring good out of that grief.

Anyway - books were an important means of making rest seem like something I might actually want to do back then! Have your read the Mitford series by Jan Karon? Probably so. They are wonderful, of course! And a nice long series that keeps goingandgoingandgoing is what you might enjoy. How about the Randy Alcorn fiction series, my favorite being 'Deception'? Couldn't be more different than the Mitford books, but I loved them as well. And lastly, have you read the WW2 themed series by Brock and Bodie Thoene? The Zion Covenant series, and many others... I loved all their books, although the more recent ones lack the depth that the older titles had.

Well --- lots of words! Let me say THANK for your blog!

Susan

Octamom said...

So glad to 'meet' you over at my blog! Am enjoying reading your posts and am praying for Miss Pennie and for the rest of the pregnancy~~blessings to you as you continue to walk through this season of sweet and sad. Your light is shining brightly~
Blessings~