Monday, November 29, 2010

Hard Day

Today was a hard day.

I set out with my son to go grocery shopping and do some errands in our hometown earlier this morning.  I knew I had to get a rock chip in my windshield repaired.  I had a couple of other stops to make, and I planned on being home really early in the day to spend the rest of the day with my kids.

Yeah.  As if.

I left the house this morning at 8:30 and just got home.  Ick.

I spent several hundred dollars more that I thought I was going to, unexpectedly.  Like about $650 more.

I hate that!

I had to go to our hometown crisis pregnancy center because I had some things we wanted to donate, in Olivia's name.  Ouch.  That was harder than I thought it was going to be.  After I gave the items, it was like Olivia's being gone was really cemented.  It's real now.  It hit all over again.  Ouch.  But it also felt good to know that her stuff was going to go to moms who really needed it.

While grocery shopping, I saw the most beautiful bunch of fiery orange and yellow tulips, and I knew I had to have them.  I knew that I had to take them up to Janie's Place in our hometown.  And I did.  They looked stunning against the stark, gray sky and the cold, gray granite marker.

And while I was there, I went into the office of the memorial park where Janie lays, because I had to talk to them about Olivia.  I had to make preliminary arrangements for her burial.  Ouch.  I don't think "ouch" adequately conveys the feelings I had while there.  Dave made the arrangements for Janie and I didn't even have to think about it.  But he's so busy right now that I was the one who had to do it.  Another blow from the hammer that nails Olivia's passing to my heart.  The funeral director, who was the nicest, most compassionate older lady, said that they could pick her up after she's born, whether she's born in our hometown or at the other hospital down South, where I will have to deliver if I go before 34 weeks.  They have a liaison there too.  They can also arrange a private graveside service too, with a tent and chairs, if we so desire.  I am leaving that up to Dave.  He said he'd make that decision for me.  Thank God for my dear, dear husband.

So, that about sums up my day.

I SO want to be brave! I want to be courageous and stalwart and steadfast! I want so badly to say that the grief isn't so bad, it doesn't bite so much, it is easy this time around.......but I'd be lying! I just want these days to be over.  I want Pennie to be here and all of the uncertainty, the not knowing, the state of limbo, to be over.  I crave closure.  I want to hold Pennie.  To smell her.  To kiss her sweet head and hold her to my breast.  I guess I just want my heart filled with her.  I want to go on to the next chapter in our life.

I wrote this little verse a couple of weeks ago.  It resounds in my heart.  It's Olivia......

Her name
echoes in my soul.
Like the gentle waves
breaking, sighing
along the twilit shore~
her name whispers 
in my heart
and I will never
forget.
copyright 2010 by leeswords

11 comments:

Karen said...

Leanne,
What a hard, hard day! My heart hurts for you as I read you had to make the arrangements. I am so sorry you have to go through this again.

I will continue to pray for you and that God will continue to cushion your heart in the days to come.

Renata said...

Hi Leanne
(((HUGS))) my sweet friend. What a difficult day - I am crying as I read about the arrangements you have had to make - I had no idea this was required. I wish I could do more for you, but at the moment please know I'm keeping you & Pennie in my prayers.
God bless you
Renata XO

Kathryn said...

Oh sweet friend, I'm so sorry for the kind of day you have had. My heart aches for you. Andy and I made our arrangements together, and it was one of the hardest days of our lives, second only to the day of her death. It pains me that you had to do that alone. I pray that the rest of this pregnancy goes quickly and safely, and you are soon holding Pennie in your arms, just the way you want to. Her sisters are being held in the most amazing arms ever this very night...let that bring your heart some comfort. At the same time He holds your darling girls, He holds you Leanne...the same arms. :) Rest there tonight, and know I'm praying for you tonight.

Love you, Kathryn

Susan said...

Leanne, I feel for you right now. I know this must be so hard. I will pray for you through this joyous and grief stricken time.

I pray for God to encircle you right now with his peace and love that is so powerful you feel nothing else right now.
Ssuan

Missionfieldof5 said...

(((Hugs))) I am so sorry you had to go through those arrangements by yourself...I had to plan everything by myself...I think perhaps it was just the way my husband dealt with his grief...

I know the feeling well...first it was trying to pick out an outfit for my dear baby to wear, then it was trying to pick out the special resting box/casket....I didn't go through the funeral home, we picked out a box at Hobby Lobby, I had someone from church build a metal box that we placed our smaller box inside....I picked out fabric to line it with...found some foam for a cushion...put in lavender petals for it to smell oh so pretty...picked out a stuffed animal to go inside...found a nice family picture to go in there as well and included an letter to my son... It's just a mom's way of doing things...I know my son was in Heaven the moment his heart stopped beating...but it is our flesh here on earth as a mom that wants them to be oh so comfortable... then there was the ordering of flowers....ughhhh, that just about undid me as well...however, he is always near me, just a walk across my yard, less than 30 seconds and visible from my kitchen at all times....Thank You Lord!

I can still sit here bawling going over that time in my life 3 years ago...Praise the Lord he only gives us what we can handle each day....

We do get through it....I often what else would have been on the agenda some of those days when I seemed so much at my capacity to be able to handle the details of that time....

One of the blessings of knowing that my Son was in Heaven and I was still waiting to give birth to him, was that I was able to make arrangements with http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org I think that is the url...I was able to find a professional photographer to come out to our house and we have the most beautiful professional photo's of my husband and I and our son together and there are a couple with our children looking over my shoulder at their baby brother....sigh....they are the most precious mementos I have!!!

If you haven't already you might look into them, they will come to the hospital as well.

Southern Queen of the Crazies said...

All you can do is hang on and let God get you through. I think of you often.

Kelly

Emily said...

I'm so sorry Leanne. Bad day just doesn't seem a strong enough word. :(

Gayle said...

I just sent you a long email, friend. This post broke my heart when I read it yesterday.
I'm glad your friend mentioned about that company called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I've heard of them and think it's a great ministry if you are interested.
Much love to you, Leanne

Missionfieldof5 said...

I should have mentioned in my earlier post...the http://nowilaymedowntosleep.org
the photographers come for free there is no cost!

Lori said...

I just can't even imagine. And pray to God that I never even have to. Losing Matthew was and is still so unbearable some days...I just am so appreciative of your faith and commitment in light of what you've lost and still have upcoming. I know you wrote you found it hard to be brave and steadfast and I don't know how you couldn't. Just know that many see and believe you are and are grateful and inspired.

Rebeca said...

Praying for you dear one!