Today was a hard day.
I set out with my son to go grocery shopping and do some errands in our hometown earlier this morning. I knew I had to get a rock chip in my windshield repaired. I had a couple of other stops to make, and I planned on being home really early in the day to spend the rest of the day with my kids.
Yeah. As if.
I left the house this morning at 8:30 and just got home. Ick.
I spent several hundred dollars more that I thought I was going to, unexpectedly. Like about $650 more.
I hate that!
I had to go to our hometown crisis pregnancy center because I had some things we wanted to donate, in Olivia's name. Ouch. That was harder than I thought it was going to be. After I gave the items, it was like Olivia's being gone was really cemented. It's real now. It hit all over again. Ouch. But it also felt good to know that her stuff was going to go to moms who really needed it.
While grocery shopping, I saw the most beautiful bunch of fiery orange and yellow tulips, and I knew I had to have them. I knew that I had to take them up to Janie's Place in our hometown. And I did. They looked stunning against the stark, gray sky and the cold, gray granite marker.
And while I was there, I went into the office of the memorial park where Janie lays, because I had to talk to them about Olivia. I had to make preliminary arrangements for her burial. Ouch. I don't think "ouch" adequately conveys the feelings I had while there. Dave made the arrangements for Janie and I didn't even have to think about it. But he's so busy right now that I was the one who had to do it. Another blow from the hammer that nails Olivia's passing to my heart. The funeral director, who was the nicest, most compassionate older lady, said that they could pick her up after she's born, whether she's born in our hometown or at the other hospital down South, where I will have to deliver if I go before 34 weeks. They have a liaison there too. They can also arrange a private graveside service too, with a tent and chairs, if we so desire. I am leaving that up to Dave. He said he'd make that decision for me. Thank God for my dear, dear husband.
So, that about sums up my day.
I SO want to be brave! I want to be courageous and stalwart and steadfast! I want so badly to say that the grief isn't so bad, it doesn't bite so much, it is easy this time around.......but I'd be lying! I just want these days to be over. I want Pennie to be here and all of the uncertainty, the not knowing, the state of limbo, to be over. I crave closure. I want to hold Pennie. To smell her. To kiss her sweet head and hold her to my breast. I guess I just want my heart filled with her. I want to go on to the next chapter in our life.
I wrote this little verse a couple of weeks ago. It resounds in my heart. It's Olivia......
echoes in my soul.
Like the gentle waves
along the twilit shore~
her name whispers
in my heart
and I will never
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