Can I tell you all a secret that I've been keeping these past few weeks??
Can I? You might be shocked. I'm going to level with you......
I'm struggling. Very, very hard. I'm sinking rapidly in this ocean I've been asked to navigate by One Who they say loves me very much and cares for me and died for me and only wants what's best for me.
I'm actually having a full-blown Crisis of Faith.
And it's just another bit of grief to add to my burdened shoulders right now, but I can't seem to see the shore in this ocean, or to pull myself out of the downward spin I'm in. It's slowly eating me alive, and it's hurting my family too.
Let me lay it out.
I don't understand why the Lord, after several years of praying for twins, would answer our prayers, and then.......before I knew what hit me......He took one away. I don't understand why Olivia died. I don't understand why I'm being asked to say goodbye again. Why?
I can't seem to comprehend it, even now. I'm shattered. I'm broken. I'm confused. I'm devastated. I'm shaken to the very core of who I really am and what I really believe in.
I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of pretending everything's getting better. I'm so weary of platitudes and pretty phrases and looks of sympathy and verses that tell me I'm going to be rescued and blessed and healed and surrounded and taken care of and lifted up and delivered.
I just can't seem to believe it.
It's so scary for me!!! I have always, always tried to trust the Lord and walk with Him and believe Him and do what He wants me to do, not always with a willing heart, but nevertheless, there has never come upon me such a great wave of uncertainty and unsteadiness! I thought that I had my hand firmly in His and I thought that I was doing pretty well, seeing that the grief of our first stillborn baby and a few miscarriages and years of infertility didn't kill me!
But I'm not doing well!!!
My soul is famished. I can't even sing and worship and lose myself in the familiar songs that I have loved, as a singer, a child of God, and a worshipper......Right now, I no longer believe the cherished words that I used to cling to and confess and raise as a mantra for my life!
Did you hear me? I just don't believe the words!!! I can't be a hypocrite and I can barely raise my voice and I can't form the words about trusting and honoring and obeying and surrendering and holiness and joy......
I thought I KNEW that God was with me! I thought I could trust His strength! I thought I would never lose that feeling of knowing that He was indeed as close as my own skin, my own breath.....
But I've lost it. Everything around me appears dark and hostile and silent and unyielding! As never before!
I hear the songs this season of "Emmanuel"..."God With Us"......and I scream out in the very core of me.........
ARE YOU HERE????
I lift my eyes to the brass domed sky above me and I heave and groan and question!
I'm on a rocky ledge and I'm looking down. I have never been here before. I'm crying out for help. I want so badly to renew my faith. I want so badly to be that testimony of His faithfulness that I used to so diligently pray for! But.......
I'm not. I'm so unfamiliar to me!
I can't even read my dear Bible! I'm so skeptical, so numb, so injured in my spirit. I thought I knew that the Scriptures were just the thing to heal my heart. I thought I had enough verses memorized to be able to cling to and renew my mind, but I don't. I don't. I don't.
And it's staring me in the face, this lack of anything to grab on to.
I hear all the advice. I listen as I read of others who have been here before me, and I will be deadly honest with you, I used to scoff at those travelers who were so shaky in their faith as to have a crisis!
Well, here I am. One of those travelers!
I am suffocating here. I am a shriveled, dry vine, ready to drop off the plant at any moment.
And I'm begging for God to come and rescue me.....and I can't see Him or feel Him or hear Him!!!
I'm constantly having to fight back hysterical, gut wrenching, gasping sobs and swallow the huge lump in my throat! I'm forever trying to take deep breaths to keep the horrible agony from exploding out of my chest. I'm avoiding people's gazes. I'm shunning my dear friend. I don't know the wan, drawn face and the empty, dead eyes that meet me in the mirror each morning. I am as dry as dust and as frail as old bones. I'm slashing my husband with words which I have no idea from where they come......
That's the truth. That's the ugly, unfrosted truth.
I guess I'm asking you to pray for me! I know you have been. I know some of you have been with me this whole way, these past months. I know that you have been holding me up and interceding for me. I appreciate it! I have no right to ask for more and I'm unworthy of your love and your admiration and your diligence!
But I can't do it myself anymore. I can't continue on pretending that I'm getting better.
I need a miracle. I need intervention.
I crave the Voice of Truth to drown out all of the other voices raging at me right now.
IS this time really for my glory?
I'm afraid. I'm pressed on every side. I want fresh air! I want.......
I want Emmanuel.