Well, I guess this pregnancy is down to just the single numbers in terms of how long I have left.
In the beginning of this pregnancy, we thought for sure I was going to lose this baby too.
You see, from the time I found out I was pregnant again, back in late March, I was bleeding. I knew what that meant. Since I have a very, very hard time sustaining a pregnancy, I knew already not to get attached. I knew to protect my heart. I look back in my Bible and I see all of the passages of Scripture that I highlighted and marked and they all say "your promise will be fulfilled"…."Joy comes in the morning"…."Your valley of tears will turn into joy soon"……
It was hard to believe those things when cramps and blood stare you in the face.
Against all odds, this little life took root. Strong root. This baby was determined.
And against my "logical mind", I started to get attached.
There were a ton of tears in those early days. There was a lot of fear. Stress was rampant and emotions were out of control. I was sure this baby would be the next one to be waiting for me in Heaven.
But here we are.
6 days until my due date.
This miracle baby will not be denied. He lives. He kicks and squirms in my womb. Sometimes his kicks take my breath away with their strength.
He will not be denied.
Friends ask how I'm feeling right now. Do they want to know the truth? Do they ask about my emotional health?
My emotional health is the kicker right now.
Yes, I'm very large. Yes, I'm feeling extremely pregnant. Yes, I think I'm going to make it until my due date, and maybe beyond. No, I have not been having lots of contractions. Yes, the baby is very, very low. If he got any lower he'd be out. That's fine that people want to know all about those things.
But my emotional health?
For me, right now, it's like trying to walk quickly over an iced over pond. There are patches where I find it easy to just walk right over. There are also patched which are holding me up. They're the patches of ice on my journey that are thin and precarious and I'm begging God to help me get over them without falling in to the deep, frigid waters underneath the ice.
To me, the ice is thin right now. It's fear. It's anxiety. It's irrational terror.
Is this labor going to be like my other labors? Am I strong enough to do this again? Will I be able to love this baby? Will I get through this labor with strength and dignity? Will it hurt so much that I'll give in to the fear? Will he be alright? Will his birth be just as easy as all of my others? Where's the joy and excitement of meeting a new little son? How come I'm so freaked out?
These are the questions that I'm struggling with right now.
But it all comes down to one thing:
Do I trust my Lord, no matter what?
This conundrum has been plaguing, yes plaguing me, for weeks now. I've been doing a LOT of praying!
I WANT to trust my Lord. He makes promises in His word. He promises to give strength to the weary. He promises to be a shelter to those who put their trust in Him. He promises to protect and keep safe and carry me.
And that is my heart's cry!
I know those of you who read my blog are praying for me. I appreciate it! PLEASE don't stop. I want this birth to be joyful and peaceful. I want to be confident and have strength. I want a miracle birth to match the miracle my son is.
Please Lord, help me to trust in You. Lord, help me to know that I CAN trust in You.