Unavoidable

I'm back.

How I've hesitated and stalled and balked at writing this post.

How I have so wanted to be merry and bright! How I've wanted to be light hearted and excited this Christmas season! How I've wanted so badly to embrace everything that the Christmas season entails.....How I have avoided posting such heaviness and anguish.

I guess writing it out will somehow cement its realness in my heart....

Today, December 6th, is the 10th day.

The 10th day after my body gave up that little gift that we thought was coming to us in the Spring.

My second trimester miscarriage is now complete.....

But the jumble of thoughts and feelings and emotions are just beginning.

I was 3 months pregnant when I found out our baby had died. Baby was supposedly measuring at 9.5 weeks "or so".

Upon further investigation and another ultrasound at a different place, Baby looked more like 12 weeks or more.  Baby was big.

At that point, 2 weeks after that 12 week ultrasound, my body hadn't realized yet what had happened.

And I knew from past experience that it was going to be a bumpy ride.

But I hoped and prayed and begged and beseeched the Lord to spare me from what my heart knew was going to happen.

I have had another second trimester miscarriage.  I was 16 weeks pregnant when it happened.  

I almost died on my bathroom floor.

I intensely petitioned the Lord to make it easy, make it fast, please do not let me die....

It was my focus during the last 5 weeks.

Monday November 26th was the day.

I was alone with the children.

And again, I almost died.

Thank God my son had the foresight to call my mother in law, who is a nurse.

I am recovering.

I guess the reason I write this is because I covet your prayers.  My heart....oh, my heart.  I just didn't know the human heart could sustain so much battering and shattering and breaking and crushing in one lifetime.

My body will mend.  My body is already mending.  Slowly but surely, my body mends.

But my heart.

I felt that, on that day as labor began and progressed, I felt that everything I was gushed out of me.  I felt that my essence was being flushed down the toilet and soaking into the tiles and running out of me.  I felt as though it was the death of me.

10 days later I still wonder who I am now.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I wonder who that person is gazing back at me.  I'm worn.  I'm pale.  I look bewildered.  I look puzzled.  I look old and done for.

I know that the Bible promises joy.  I know that Christ's mercies are new every morning.  I know that He vows comfort and healing and strength.

But oh, I could really use some of that right now, this moment....moment by moment.

When breathing threatens to further shatter my heart, when waking brings the crushing knowledge back....

Father, come!

And when my mind, against my will, flashes to what could have been, when my mind sees a baby in the womb, kicking and dancing and smiling and sucking her thumb.....

Father, come!

Conversely, I am deeply humbled at life.  I have my life.  My Lord spared me once again because my work here on earth was not done.  I praise Him daily for that. Everything humbles me! I am abashed by a sunrise, a warm blanket, a touch from Pennie.

I look forward to the day when the trauma will be forgotten, both for me and for my children, who witnessed the whole ordeal.  I am so proud of my children, who maintained their cool and rose to a very, very scary challenge with grace and aplomb. Still...I pray that the trauma would be forgotten and only everything that God has done for us will be remembered.

These are some of my jumbled, confused, weary thoughts today.  I ask that you would remember my family in prayer in the days to come.

Father, come!