Thursday, December 6, 2012

Unavoidable

I'm back.

How I've hesitated and stalled and balked at writing this post.

How I have so wanted to be merry and bright! How I've wanted to be light hearted and excited this Christmas season! How I've wanted so badly to embrace everything that the Christmas season entails.....How I have avoided posting such heaviness and anguish.

I guess writing it out will somehow cement its realness in my heart....

Today, December 6th, is the 10th day.

The 10th day after my body gave up that little gift that we thought was coming to us in the Spring.

My second trimester miscarriage is now complete.....

But the jumble of thoughts and feelings and emotions are just beginning.

I was 3 months pregnant when I found out our baby had died. Baby was supposedly measuring at 9.5 weeks "or so".

Upon further investigation and another ultrasound at a different place, Baby looked more like 12 weeks or more.  Baby was big.

At that point, 2 weeks after that 12 week ultrasound, my body hadn't realized yet what had happened.

And I knew from past experience that it was going to be a bumpy ride.

But I hoped and prayed and begged and beseeched the Lord to spare me from what my heart knew was going to happen.

I have had another second trimester miscarriage.  I was 16 weeks pregnant when it happened.  

I almost died on my bathroom floor.

I intensely petitioned the Lord to make it easy, make it fast, please do not let me die....

It was my focus during the last 5 weeks.

Monday November 26th was the day.

I was alone with the children.

And again, I almost died.

Thank God my son had the foresight to call my mother in law, who is a nurse.

I am recovering.

I guess the reason I write this is because I covet your prayers.  My heart....oh, my heart.  I just didn't know the human heart could sustain so much battering and shattering and breaking and crushing in one lifetime.

My body will mend.  My body is already mending.  Slowly but surely, my body mends.

But my heart.

I felt that, on that day as labor began and progressed, I felt that everything I was gushed out of me.  I felt that my essence was being flushed down the toilet and soaking into the tiles and running out of me.  I felt as though it was the death of me.

10 days later I still wonder who I am now.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I wonder who that person is gazing back at me.  I'm worn.  I'm pale.  I look bewildered.  I look puzzled.  I look old and done for.

I know that the Bible promises joy.  I know that Christ's mercies are new every morning.  I know that He vows comfort and healing and strength.

But oh, I could really use some of that right now, this moment....moment by moment.

When breathing threatens to further shatter my heart, when waking brings the crushing knowledge back....

Father, come!

And when my mind, against my will, flashes to what could have been, when my mind sees a baby in the womb, kicking and dancing and smiling and sucking her thumb.....

Father, come!

Conversely, I am deeply humbled at life.  I have my life.  My Lord spared me once again because my work here on earth was not done.  I praise Him daily for that. Everything humbles me! I am abashed by a sunrise, a warm blanket, a touch from Pennie.

I look forward to the day when the trauma will be forgotten, both for me and for my children, who witnessed the whole ordeal.  I am so proud of my children, who maintained their cool and rose to a very, very scary challenge with grace and aplomb. Still...I pray that the trauma would be forgotten and only everything that God has done for us will be remembered.

These are some of my jumbled, confused, weary thoughts today.  I ask that you would remember my family in prayer in the days to come.

Father, come!

8 comments:

Erin said...

I'm searching for some eloquent combination of words to encourage you, but I'm coming up short. However, as I've found through my own seasons of loss, it is better to say something, however bumbled, than nothing. So. I will continue to pray for you as you process your loss, both physically and mentally. I pray that God will bring you peace in the midst of sorrow, and that you will someday meet your sweet little baby in Heaven.

(And, to answer your question...no snow in OK. It was 72 degrees yesterday! Crazy!) :)

Theresa said...

I am sorry for your loss.

"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

May God's Word bring you stength and comfort as you mourn the loss of your precious baby.

Tesha said...

I have thought of you so many times in these weeks wondering what happened. I am so very sorry my friend sooooo sorry. My heart breaks for you. How I wish I could give you a big hug then go for a cup of coffee together....on the beach :)

Please know I will be praying for you my friend.

My Little Warriors said...

Hugs! I wil be over tomorrow with some comfort and company! Love you friend.

Sweet Annabelle said...

Praying for you, too.
I am reminded of Rachel's deep anguish in Jeremiah 31:15 and also in Matthew 2:18.
May the Father truly 'Come!' and comfort your grieving!

Susan

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss... You and your family are in my prayers.

Susan said...

I know all those words that you say are so true. It takes me back to that time and i wish I had been more honest. That is exactly how i felt but I hid it inside and basically died for 8 months because I thought I could do it on my own and that I was not aloud to feel that way.

All I can say is I am prayign for you . I will not tell you it will get better because you already know that. You know it will take a while so my prayer is that through this difficult time you feel the hands of Jesus as you mourn this loss. Wish I could be there to just give you a big hug.
Susan

Renata said...

Hi Leanne
I'm sorry I didn't read this earlier ~ please know I am praying for you & I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I wish I could be eloquent & say something amazing, but I don't have words except to say that I am praying my friend.... much love & (((HUGS)))
Renata XO