Let me be frank here and tell you that actually, I thought Easter was NEXT weekend. I thought I had lots of time to prepare, because we usually make a big deal out of Easter and all. I mean, not with bunnies and candy and eggs and all that.....I mean we usually have a really nice dinner and talk a lot about the particular meaning of Easter with our kids....
So Easter snuck up on me this year.
I've felt somber and melancholy this week. I wasn't sure why. Last night my husband read the account of the Last Supper from a book he has called "The Life of Christ in Stereo".....it was so strange because I focused on Judas. I've heard and read this account dozens of times over the years and never gave Judas a second thought.
Until last night.
And I thanked God that I wasn't in Judas' place.....
And I prayed to God that I would never be a Judas. Or a Peter, who vehemently insisted that he'd NEVER betray or deny Christ....and he went on, not many hours after his passionate avowal, to deny His Lord not once but three times.
It scares me to death to think that I would ever be capable of betraying the very One Who died for me. I asked God last night to protect my heart from falling away like that. I felt it was a time to do maintenance on my heart and to shore up my defenses, so to speak.
Oh, I'm not wanting to fall away or betray Christ or stop being a Christian.....but the Bible says our hearts are deceitfully wicked.....that our hearts need constant vigilance.....to guard our hearts above all, for they are the wellspring of life....
And I want to make sure my relationship with my Saviour is current and tight and above reproach. I want to make sure that my heart is very close to Him and doesn't hide anything from Him.
Maybe it's partly the new Bible study I'm doing, or maybe it's just the season, but I find myself culling the depths of my heart and mind and soul and doing some spirit cleaning. I haven't liked what I've found, but I feel so much the better for getting it all out in the open, between me and the Lord, Who sees all anyway, and letting Him cleanse me and wash me and fill me with His spirit!
I went to my church this afternoon to participate in the Maundy Thursday-Good Friday prayer vigil and I must not have made note of where in the building to go because I ended up in the sanctuary, and I was the only one in there. It was dim and peaceful and very reverent, and I sat in the front pew and looked up at the crude and lowly cross on the alter that symbolized His death and what He did for me, complete with nails and crown and humble plaque.....I'd never participated in a prayer vigil. It was refreshing. It was renewing. I didn't particularly get on my face and beseech the Lord, though I could have. I just sat there and.....soaked up His presence and the quite assurance of my salvation due to the horror and pain of His death on that cross.
Yes, I still feel a bit somber and melancholy and heavily weighted, but I think that's proper for this weekend.
Thank You, Lord, for making it known to me that You died to save me. Thank You for doing the work so I didn't have to. Thank You that the work You have started in me will be completed on that glorious day. And thank You for never giving up on me, no matter what!