Saturday, February 19, 2011

Still Here

I'm still here.....nothing is happening yet.

This is truly such an odd experience for me.  Totally in unchartered waters here.

I have realized lately that I have been guilty of not letting God be God in my life and with my circumstances.  Just in the past couple of days I have been surrendering this to Him.  Oh, it' so hard! Particularly in the area of my labor and delivery.  I'm so afraid of having a hard labor, baby getting stuck, bleeding tons, and on and on and on......that I was holding tightly to my fears and worries and anxieties, and being so miserable in the process.  I mean, God is not suddenly going to step off His throne and tell me "see ya, I'm not God anymore!"  He's God no matter who wants Him to be God or not.....but the tough part is letting Him be sovereign in my life, in my circumstances! The key is ASKING Him to be God, to take all of this from me, to bear this heavy burden for have His own way.  I was terrified to do that, even though I felt Him nudging me that that is exactly what I needed to do, because I was sure disaster would happen as soon as I gave over control to Him.  Silly.  Ridiculous! Such pride and over confidence in my own "ways"! Like I myself actually know better than the righteous God of the universe, the Alpha and Omega, the One Who neither sleeps nor slumbers on my behalf, the One Who loves me as His very own!!

I've been trying to actively remedy the situation and trying to remember to give Him everything, each step of the way, every thought I think, every feeling I have.

I don't know if any of you all struggle with things like that, but in a previous, recent post, I mentioned that I'd like prayer for major heart issues, and that's it in a nutshell.  If you do struggle with things like that, I want you to know that you are not alone.  God does not close His eyes and turn away from you or me.  He cares so much about your thoughts and feelings and musings.  He knows them before you think you may as well talk with Him about them.  He neither condemns you or blames you or hates you.  Come to Him and give Him all your broken pieces and all of your areas you hold away from Him.
He manages them better than we do anyway!! Let His love soak your heart, and get to know Him as your manager, your leader, your navigator.

On another note:  Pennie's moving around well.  She is apparently not in a hurry to be born, nor is my body apparently ready to give her up.  I'm not going to try any natural interventions, I will just let my body figure this out.  Like I said, this is quite the new experience for me! I appreciate all of you prayer warriors out there, who have taken the time to leave me comments and let me know you're praying for me.  One last thing:  Mrs.S, if you're reading this post, I feel deeply honored that you stopped by my blog to let me know you're praying.  I have tried to get in touch with you! I really would like your email or access to your blog again, if you feel comfortable with that.  If not, thank you dearly for praying for me!!

Talk to you all soon!!


Devin said...

Leanne, you put this so eloquently.

You know that I too struggle with this--I believe that we all do on some level.

It is so hard to let go when we think we know what is best. I think the thing to do in these situations that we struggle with is to look back, and remember times in our lives when we thought that 'God was doing it wrong'....only to find out later that His plan really WAS the best plan.

I see that SO STRONGLY in my own loss....

Anyways. That's my two cents for the night! Still praying....

Bugofmany said...

Just had to post and tell you that I had a labor (baby #7) where my water broke and I had contractions for one hour and then NOTHING for the next 12hrs. Then, labor kicked in good and hard and #7 was born 3hrs. and 45min. later. All was fine. :) Just remember to DRINK, DRINK, DRINK. ;) Praying for you!

Mrs. S said...

Just checking in and glad to see an update. I will continue to pray. Send me your email address and I'll send you an invite to my very forgotten blog! My email is: earthmuffins at msn dot com.

Amelia said...

I will be praying! : )

My last baby, my Baby Becca, my little baby girl, now 17 was transverse too. The midwives had me do a pelvic rock, and she turned...

Please know once again I am praying, I soooooo understand your fears and concerns.

God is already with you, that is what Elizabeth Elliot wrote to me when I had written her my fears...

God bless and be with as I write this with tears in my eyes. God holds a special place for you and your baby and so do I as a sister in the Lord...Hugs and prayers to you..

Looking forward to a praise report. Thank you Jesus.


Renata said...

Yes - I wrestle with that as well - I need to trust God that His will is best & not necessarily my will!
Love you sweet friend - love your openness & beautiful heart.