Her name is never far from our lips around here.
We still hold her in our hearts.
Sometimes, when we are all together and everyone has been accounted for, we will look at each other and say....
"Are we missing someone?"
Yes, we are. Deeply.
Last night I had a mini-meltdown of sorts. I just have been feeling so sad lately. Such a deep, weighty, fathomless heartache has come over me, and it feels like it is here to stay some days. My stomach aches deep down. I miss feeling joy in the deep breaths I used to be able to take! Lately, it's as though tears are never far off, and I could burst out in sobbing at any moment...
Last night, I finally did. I allowed the storm of weeping that has been locked in my heart to come out.
God says in His word that He bottles up our tears.....
There are more tears in that bottle today.
I have questions, even after 5 years. I want to know......
Janie, how can someone who never drew breath outside of the Secret Place and who was here such a short time still affect me so deeply, after all these years?
How come the pain comes, and it hurts like it was yesterday that you flew?
Why do my arms ache to hold you still, when I've held your sisters after you?
Why did God choose me to be your mom? I'm not so strong, not so special, to be able to bear up under this incredible ache which feels ceaseless at times.....
I wonder why I didn't hold her longer. How my arms ache to feel the slight weight of her. How my lips long to kiss her just one more time. How I long to absorb her sweet, newborn smell again! How I long to go back and do it all right this time!
I wish we had taken more pictures. I wish we had known about the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep foundation, where professional photographers donate their services on behalf of families who've received a fatal prenatal diagnosis, to come and take pregnancy photographs, and to take photos after the baby is born......I wish I had a beautiful picture to frame, of her precious feet and her perfect hands!
I've always said that this pain is a part of me. Oh, it doesn't hurt like this all the time. Still, there are times when it catches me so by surprise that I could still mourn for her like this, after so long......
I see Lucie.
I think, in a sort of odd way, that Lucie has been my salvation in it all. Did God know I would need her this year, this 5th anniversary year?
There she is, and she needs me.
When that terrible, intense ache comes, when that yawning, dark chasm opens up again...
I hold her. I kiss her face and lay my cheek against her downy, soft head. I breathe in her essence.....
And pain is eased. The ache leaves. It's an extraordinary cycle of pain and hope.
Pain and hope. Intertwined.
Thank You God, for both the pain of Janie and the hope of Lucie.