Friday, November 2, 2012

Unexpected Silence

There really is no way to frost this post to make it look pretty.

It shatters me, no matter from what angle I look.

So, let's begin.

I've had a big, exciting secret.

I'm pregnant.

I was waiting and planning just the right time to do a post on my blog.  Would I  put a "Big Sister" shirt on Pennie and take a picture to post? Would I record a little ditty about our baby? I had spent the last weeks looking for a creative, unique way to tell my blog world that we were expecting, but I felt myself waiting for the very perfect moment.

I got to see the baby at my first 7 week appointment.  There was a little peanut on that screen!! And the first thing I saw was that teenie, minuscule heart beating!!! I was floored.  I was riveted.  I had never gotten to see my baby's heart beating when she was that tiny in my womb.

And I was feeling siiiiick.  I was so queasy all day.  "Morning sickness" is a myth, gals.  I'm sure you know that.  I was so tired I would fall asleep on the couch before noon.  And STARVING! And craving.....

I was so happy to take that picture of our little baby home with me!

At this point, we were not going to tell anyone.  I did pick two of my friends to tell, just because I think I would burst if I didn't tell someone!

This pregnancy has been so important to us, because we had been trying for another baby for so long. We had been trying for over a year.  Early on in our trying, I would take a pregnancy test every month, because I was just SURE that month would be IT! And it wasn't.  And it wasn't.  And it wasn't, again.  Weeks passed.  They turned into months, and the months became a year.  And then it was over a year.

At the end of July, I started to act strange.

My husband told me to go immediately take a test.  I didn't want to because long ago I had given up on my fertility and thought that maybe the tons of blank and empty pregnancy tests were God's way of telling me my childbearing days were over.  

But I caved and took a test.

And it was positive.  I think I forgot how to read when I looked at that first test because I just stared at it in shock and disbelief.  It probably took less than a minute to trumpet the word "Pregnant" across the screen, but I bet I sat there for at least 5 minutes, just staring at it.

I was so shocked that I took another test.

My husband had told me to take a test, but he didn't know when I was going to take it.  

I came out of the bathroom and handed the stick to him. 

A huge smile lit up his face and he began to laugh.

We called everybody around Daddy, and we passed the stick to Hannah.

Everyone was looking over her shoulder.

There were gasps and shouts and we were all celebrating together.

So, after that initial doctor's appointment and ultrasound, I took possession of this baby.  I named her.  I was certain it was a girl.  I began to fantasize about tiny baby feet and sweet smelling newborn skin and how blessed our baby would be because I had saved all of my baby girl stuff.

I left the doctor's office with that precious black and white picture in my hand and an appointment for my next appointment at three months.

It seemed that those 6 weeks between appointments dragged at a sloth's pace!

But finally, Monday the 29th was the day! I would get to see my baby again! 

I was nervous.  I was excited.  I just couldn't wait!

Sara, Kellie and I loaded up in the car and set out on our 45 minute trip.

We got there with time to spare.

They called us back very quickly.

The girls came in with me to the sonogram room.

The room was dim and peaceful and yet, I could hear the whispers of memories past.....

I laid down on the sheet-shrouded bed.  The tech covered my legs and squeezed the wet, warm gel on my middle.  I had to concentrate to not hyperventilate in my nervous excitement!

He placed the wand on my middle and there was our baby.

Whole.  Perfectly formed.  

But.....

Where was that heartbeat that I had seen bumping along 6 weeks ago?

"It doesn't look good."

I turned my head to look at him.

"What??"

"I need to go get Dr W."

I was still staring at him, my eyes piercing him like laser points of dread and fear.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"There's no heartbeat."

And I cried out to God.

Please, Lord.

Please.

Dr. W said our baby's measuring at 9.5 weeks.

All of those weeks begging the Lord to let our baby come home to us and live with us.....all of those fantasies and lemon drop thoughts! 

Again.

The sound that I most wanted to hear, the melody that I most wanted to sing along with is not to be.  There was no sound.

Again.

So friends, I write this post to tell you that though I am almost 13 weeks pregnant today, my baby has gone to Heaven to be with her God.  I was not expecting to hear that silence.  I was sure that my heart could not shatter into any more pieces.  

On the drive home, all I could hear in my mind, over and over.....our baby's dead...our baby's dead....our baby's dead.....

I got to see on the ultrasound that she was perfect.  Everything looked great.  The doctor didn't know what to say.

Now the road that I'm on, this winding, rocky road of grief and sorrow, must lengthen again.  I cannot take a free ride yet.  The path is dry and the dust blows into my eyes so that I cannot see the end.  My mouth is parched and I've never been so thirsty.  My feet plod on, devoid of strength.  My heart faints within me.  I don't want to, but I have to ask.....

God, where are You??

I ask for your prayers during the next several weeks.  The doctor was fine with me waiting for things to happen naturally.  This is my fourth time, so I know what to expect.  We've been here before, but that doesn't make it any easier.

We wanted this baby very much.

And so, we say goodbye to her.  We will never forget.  She will always hold a place in our hearts.  How can I wish her back to my womb when she dances before the Lord? How can I want her back here when she beholds the very face of God??

Meanwhile, down here on this ball of clay, I must put one foot in front of the other.

9 comments:

Melissa said...

Oh Leanne, I don't even have the words right now. I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel like our family has been stuck in "winter" far too long and I'm sure it feels like that to you too, but please share in faith with me that spring will really be coming soon. Know you and your family will be in my prayers. (((HUGS))))

Barbara said...

Leanne,

I came across your blog thru someone elses....and I read it here and there....I have never commented, but I just wanted to let you know I am very sorry for your loss....Thoughts and prayers going out to you and your family....

Sweet Annabelle said...

So sorry for your family's great loss. WIll be praying for you as you walk this very difficult path.

Duckygirl said...

Prayers and tears flowing for you girl! <3

My Little Warriors said...

Thinking about you friend... I was going to stop over today but i didn't have enough time before matt went to work. Love you.

Erin said...

Keeping the prayers coming. Thank you for sharing. You have no idea whom you might have helped along their journey just by sharing your heart.

Devin said...

Oh my friend. I haven't been on the computer for a while, then I come and read this....I am heartbroken for you. So close to my story, I felt like I was reading my own words. Ugh. Ache. I am praying...praying, praying. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Tesha said...

Oh Leanne I am so very sorry. I have been busy and not been on the computer for a week. I hope you are hanging in there. It must be so difficult to say goodbye after waiting so very long for your new baby. It has been nine months and I am still not pregnant....my heart breaks because I can imagine how you rejoiced for this new life. Praying for you friend, lots of prayers, Love you!

Leearna (Pateman) Pilgram said...

Your story of determination to have children despite the losses you've experienced is awe inspiring. You have a gift!

I am a Christian and also lost a baby this July 2012. I was experiencing bloody discharge and even though several ultrasounds showed that the baby's heart was good and strong, I knew there was something wrong. In my 12 week I went for my all important scan and they looked and looked and said there is no heartbeat, even though I almost sensed it... Nothing prepared me for the sadness I felt knowing the life had gone.

I totally feel your pain! and at the same time... share my own joy again with you. I am 9 weeks pregnant with our 5th. I found your blog because I punched into Google, "Being obsessed with Twins" and here you were. Yes for some reason I am constantly thinking that this is twins!! and tomorrow I go for the first time to see the midwife and to hear that important galloping sound, I don't know if they will pick up two beats? I am so eager to find out if it's two!? This has been on my mind a lot, in any case I know this time everything's alright, I have peace and whether one or two I am happy!

Psalm 30:5 - Joy comes in the morning...

You are like David pouring out your soul... I ask Jesus lift up your hands and light up your countenance and bless you abundantly for your faithfulness to Him. Thank you for blessing me by being so open and honest!

Love Leearna