Thursday, April 8, 2010

Unravelling Mysteries

Some of you are friends of mine of Facebook.

You may have been noticing my uncharacteristically cryptic status updates.

Today I'm ready to unravel the mystery behind such status updates, for those of you who have been wondering.

Sunday we found out we were pregnant.  We were elated! We announced it at church! I brought out the bright green crate of carefully stored-away maternity clothes that we had been waiting many months to be able to use again!

The very next day we found out we were having a miscarriage.

The miscarriage was confirmed today, when Dr W himself called me.  When I heard his soft, kind voice on the phone, I immediately started shaking.

He asked me to come in next Thursday to confirm the passage of our baby.  He said that a pregnancy blood test would come up negative by then.  He said it was a very early miscarriage.

I've thought about doing a post on miscarriage for a couple of weeks now. I wanted to try to shed some light on the whole thing, for those of you who have never had one, or for you who may know someone who has had one and maybe want to help that person.

We've had three miscarriages now.  In three years.  We've also suffered from infertility for more than two years, after we had Sofia, who is now four years old.  We've been at both ends of the spectrum in the realm of childbirth and babies, from elation and joy and triumph to crushing sadness and anguish and terrible grief.

People may wonder why we are so crushed and grieved and saddened after a miscarriage, because after all, we were "barely pregnant".

With our miscarriages, our first one was very early.  Our second one was fairly late and very difficult.

You see, the moment that stick turns color, I take possession.  The very suggestion of two pink lines causes me to start to dream about the new Little One who will be joining our family! Upon seeing that magical word "Pregnant" in that little window, my mother-hen instinct kicks into overdrive.

And these angel babies of mine are under my skin.  They stay just long enough to make their presence known, with sickness and cravings and gentle tiredness.  They grace my womb just long enough to get into my heart.  Just long enough to be bonded in my soul for life.  Just long enough for the giddy joy and passionate ownership to take hold....

And then.......they are gone.

To me, there is just no such thing as being "barely pregnant".  There is nothing that rings true in my spirit about that! It isn't a comforting thought or a trite and quick way to "get over it".

I prayed and begged and pleaded with God to let us keep this Baby.  And I came to a place of acceptance that, no matter what happened, He is sovereign.  His will was ultimately what I wanted.  Even if it meant struggling down this path again.  I found peace in that.

A mother is a mother no matter how long the child is hers.  I am this baby's mother no matter how long we knew each other.  I don't stop being their mother once they are gone from this earth.  I remember them with fondness and love and sorrow, looking forward to the day when I will meet my baby face-to-face.

I have confidence that my body will do what it is designed to do.  But my heart? It isn't as easy as taking a blood test to confirm the loss.

My heart will remember.

This night, I have one more deposit in Heaven.

And tonight, Heaven is much more real and closer now than ever before.

17 comments:

Rebeca said...

Oh, dear Leanne, I am so sorry and sad for you tonight. I have no words, but you know I know. Hugs and prayers...

Mrs. Honey Bee said...

I am so sorry, Leanne! I know there are really no words, but Jesus knows our hearts and he also can communicate those things that words cannot. I do know it is not easy, as we have lost 5 little babies. Cling to Him. Love, Melissa

Melissa said...

I'm sorry my dear friend - you'll be in my prayers and hope you find some comfort in that. (((HUGS)))

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

(((Leanne))) I cry tears for you. Reading the words that you are pregnant filled my heart with JOY for you! Reading the words that your precious child is no longer of this world fills my heart with grief for you.

I love you love you love you! And I am praying for you right this very second.

Karen said...

Oh, Leanne....my heart hurts for you. Really, really hurts. No words can make you feel better, but know you are dear to my heart! So dear! I am so sorry. Yes, there is no such thing as being barely pregnant and the amount of time you carry your baby does not diminish their weight or presence in your heart.

You commented to me in a post that Heaven seems sweeter when you have loved ones waiting for you. And that is so true, but I know it must hurt so much right now. I will be lifting you up to our Heavenly Father...that you will feel His presence during this time.

So much love from me to you....

Christine said...

Oh Leanne. I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for gracefully putting into words what I've always felt.
I love you sweet, sweet, sweet Leanne. Please know I'm praying for you. My heart longs to hold my angel baby I never got to meet face to face. (((HUGS)))

Kathryn said...

My heart aches for you tonight. And I feel like an absolute heel that our conversation the other night on chat was so ME centered that you didn't get a chance to share this with me, or weren't comfortable to do that. I'm so sorry...I'll be praying.

Devin said...

Oh, Leanne. I am so, so sorry to hear about this...I know your pain, and couldn't agree more with the words in this post.

I will be praying for you, for your healing both physically and spiritually. Again, I am so so sorry for the loss of this child.

Rebeca said...

Continuing to pray for you Leanne. Please add to your prayers my friend Maria, who also just miscarried this last week. Hugs...

Leingang Family said...

I am so sorry! Praying for you all today! Love and hugs!

EEEEMommy said...

You remain in my prayers, dear friend!

Katie said...

Leanne ~ I love you sweet sister in Christ, and I'm very sorry.

Beautiful words from a beautiful mom.

Michelle said...

I am so sorry Leanne. Pray God's comfort for you and your family.
:>Michelle

Ericka said...

So very sorry to hear this, Leanne. May the God of comfort be so near...

Melissa Stover said...

i'm so sorry for you loss. i understand what you mean about feeling those babies are yours from the minute of that positive test. you start dreaming.

Renata said...

Oh Leanne- I'm so sorry. My heart aches with you as I read this post. Pregnancy & babies are such a blessing & the pain of loosing one is difficult - I'm so glad you are relying on the Lord throughout this time. Hugs to you...
Renata

Schona Kessler Photography said...

Leanne....so sorry to read about yet another loss. I too know that you will one day meet your beautiful babies in Heaven....Hugs