"If I say,
'surely the darkness
shall fall
on me,'
Even the night
shall be light
about me...
indeed
the darkness
shall not hide
from You,
but the night
shines as
the day...
the darkness
and the light
are both alike
to You."
Psalm 139:11-12
I keep thinking about this verse, and the concept of it, the idea of it, lived out.
"Trust in the Lord
with all your heart.
In all your ways
acknowledge Him,
and He shall direct
your path." Proverbs 3:5~6
l keep wondering, contemplating, what this ought to look like, in my life.
It is a hard revelation, to me, to know that I am not trusting Him in all my ways.
You may ask, how do you know you aren't trusting Him?
Well, because I keep constantly telling Him MY will, and MY desire, and MY timetable for all of those things. I say I trust Him.....
But I know in my heart of hearts that I really do not.
You may think that is harsh, but I know it is true, and I am always examining the depths of the deepest parts of my heart and soul. And I always come up with the gnawing revelation that....
All of my heart does NOT trust Him.
And in all of my ways I do not acknowledge Him.
I know this because I am constantly giving things to Him, and then at the turn of a coin, I take them back. Over and over, on and on. I say I want Him to have all of me, the very things that I hold the dearest, and then I snatch them back, like an angry toddler with a favorite toy.
I go through this, and on and on and on with it, most days.
Oh, I have moments of what may look to me like trust. I have moments when I pry open my selfish hands and hold that area up to Him...
But I know, way down where only He and I can see, that I need to trust Him more. Fully. All the way.
IF I really did trust Him, wouldn't I just ask Him to do HIS will in my life and heart? If I acknowledged Him in all of my ways, wouldn't I ask Him for HIS ways to be my ways??
This conundrum makes me sigh and, if I were a pacer, I'd pace ceaselessly.
And I tire of this give-and-take.
I know that He is gently nudging me to give ALL to Him. I know that He never lets me forget that I must trust Him. I know that trusting Him fully and acknowledging Him in all of my ways leads to life and joy and peace.
I ask myself, do I have the faith to trust Him? Do I have the faith to let Him inform my view of what that looks like?? Do I have the voice to truly, in all of my ways, acknowledge Him??
A dear friend, upon hearing that I felt my faith was smaller than a poppy seed, recently told me that at least there was a poppy seed.
And I struggle with knowing that my faith is so small, for one who has been a Christian for almost 27 years.
As I write this post, and as I roll these things around in my mind, I wonder if anyone else has these same thoughts.
I wonder, how does trust look to you?
I'm still here!!
I just wanted the two people who read my blog to know I'm still here!!
I've thought of posts, then rejected or forgot about them.
I'm wanting to post every other day, and want to make it a mix of things, from serious to contemplative to random....
I'm planning on taking you two readers on a spectacular and breath-stealing tour of my home. My home is waiting to be featured in Poor Homes and Nonexistent Gardens magazine! Yes, it's as exciting as all that!
For some randomness, I painted my fingernails the other day, for the first time in like 15 or more years. I went all out and painted them a Sally Hanson Ruby Red Diamond Hard color. I love it.....but for a mama with 8 kids and a busy day, it isn't that practical! However, I did it anyway and the girls were overwhelmingly wowed by my nails! Pennie sits on my lap and strokes my nails and murmurs.
Pennie is going to be two years old tomorrow. Be still my sobbing heart! These two years have streaked by! She's out helping Daddy and the kids form out our first-ever garden.
The fabulous house tour that I intend to take my two readers on will include pictures of my not-really Master Bedroom, as well as our one-and-only, fantastic and failing Bathroom For Ten People! You won't want to miss out on getting a glimpse at our only bathroom. It will wow you and intrigue you!!
We're having a rare blue sky sunshine day here, and Daddy, who is extremely efficient and never, ever wastes a single moment of any day, has everyone out back, priming the ground for the garden mentioned above.
I'm taking the rare moment when everyone is occupied and out of the house to read a great author my son recommended to me.
My son is my sweetie pie, and even at almost 18, he melts my heart! He's so gallant toward me......last night, while watching a random episode from an old season of American Idol, he told me I was so much prettier than any of those gals on the show!! Sigh. What a charmer he is!!
And on that note, upon hearing that he is the only boy in our family, everyone always asks if he goes crazy or they say, "Poor Boy!" Kind, bemused people always speculate on what a good husband he'll be. If he treats his wife half as well as he treats me, he's good to go!!
Daddy is off this week. This means little except that he is a vague presence in our home as he works gruelingly and diligently on music projects. Maybe we'll get one Family Day out of him before he goes back to work!!
So, there you have it! I know my two readers are tantalized and curious about the upcoming fabulousness that will become my blog! Thanks to the two of you who I hope are still hangin' in there with me~~I appreciate and love both of you!!
I'm reading a book called "The Mission of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson. I've read it before, many years ago.
This is one of those books where you keep your highlighter and your notebook close at hand. It's a rich and true look at our role in life: that of a mother. Sally Clarkson dives in depth into Scripture to find the real definition of motherhood and where it is supposed to figure into our lives as women.
I thought I'd give you a taste of what I found so accurate and genuine in just the first chapter.
~"Because God has blessed me with a husband and children, a part of his call to me is to follow His plan for families. And that means I am to shepherd the hearts of these children whom He has providentially placed in my care. I am to care for them tenderly and to partner with God and my husband in leading my children to know and love His Word and to follow His will.....
~"I will grow into the kind of person God wants me to be as I live out my life in faith and seek to be faithful in my walk with God; as I nurture and honor my commitment to my husband and children and family and home; as I exercise my skills, training and gifts toward those whom God has placed on my path....
~"In fact, I have come to believe that being a mother encompasses all that is best within me."
~"The mission of motherhood is not simply a lifestyle choice. It is a divine calling that will indeed affect eternity."
As I have read the first chapter of this book, I think about my role right now as a mother, especially the mother of a boy who will step into adulthood in a mere two months, and as the mother of 7 girls, two of whom are young women now. Previously I have mourned the loss of the baby stage, of the toddler stage....I have actually thought, deep down, that beyond these stages of babyhood and toddlerhood my role as a mother was over.
Oh, how untrue this is!
I can look at my young man and my two young ladies and rejoice! These three people have become my very best friends, and the ones which I would rather be with than anyone else. My young ladies have become my sisters! My young man has become all that is best in a protector and friend!
I can look forward to these very vital years as a time of seeing them try their wings. I can look at the future and smile because my husband and I have planted seeds in their hearts that are just now starting to blossom.
I don't have to be sad and mourn and weep at the loss of babyhood and toddlerhood in these three young people. Sure, the future is unknown and that in itself is cause for a bit of fear on my part, but instead of babies and toddlers in these three, I have gained best friends.
This mindset is extremely new to me.
Sally Clarkson said that "life as a mother is more exciting to me now than ever before~~especially as I begin to see the fruits of my earlier labors. The foundations that were laid in my children's lives, little by little, have given them the ability now to reach for the sky."
Mothering young adults does not mean that I can sit back and coast along, but maybe God is calling me to see this new chapter in a different way than wearing sackcloth and ashes of mourning.
And as they all still live at home and will for some time, maybe it is time I reach for the sky right along with them, right beside them!
