New Link

Apparently the link I gave yesterday to The Lewis Note didn't work.

And nobody told me it didn't work.

So, I fixed it and if you want to read it, you can go back to yesterday's post and click on the link and it works.

Thank you for reading it. I think it's a subject that needs to be talked about. I think the stigma of abortion, stillbirth and miscarriage needs to be shattered.  And this post will give some good ideas about how to comfort those who have been on that journey, as well as expose and break some misconceptions too.

Thanks for reading it!

Yes

I stumbled across this blog this morning while looking at my dear friend's Facebook page.

Wow.

Please read it.  Please.

I was deeply, deeply touched…..I have a friend who had an abortion many, many years ago and still regrets it and thinks of her baby often.  I have many friends who have experienced also the grief and questions of a miscarriage.

I had never looked at the topic from this woman's point of view, but I'm intensely glad that I read this post.  

Please, if you're pro-life, be pro-life for those who've experienced abortions as well as miscarriage or stillbirth, at any stage.

Thanks.

The Lewis Note

Thoughts

Yesterday was Pennie's 3rd birthday.

I brought her a chicken nugget kid's meal, complete with fries and a drink…you would have thought she had just won the lottery! She was so cute when I came in the door with the red and white bag from Wendy's! She squealed and jumped up and down.  I also got her a sucker from my favorite coffee place.  She always loves those suckers and feels so special when I get her one.

Sigh.

The truth is, I've been thinking about Olivia a ton lately.

If you want to read about our journey with twins, go here.

It's been a long time now since Olivia went to Heaven.

But I still think about her.

She was the other half of Pennie's shell.  She is perfectly reflected in Pennie's face and eyes and smile and hair, and this is comforting to me….and at the same time….

It isn't.

I still struggle with wanting both of those babies.  I struggle with feeling slighted, with feeling cheated.  I took such possession of both of them right away! I prayed for them! We had prayed for twins for years! But the real story is, Olivia was not for this world.

Oh, but I wanted her with every fiber of my being!

I do have to say that if there was anything easier in losing one of our twins than any of our other stillbirths or miscarriages, it's that Olivia and Pennie were identical and sometimes it feels like getting a glimpse of Olivia when I look at Pennie.

Maybe it's just because Pennie's birthday was here that I'd been thinking a lot about Olivia.  I don't know.

I can sometimes vividly imagine the two of them together.  I imagine how they'd be together, how they'd share a special bond and how they'd be each other's best friend.  I imagine how proud I'd be to be the mom of twins!  We were so ecstatic when we found out I'd be having twins.  I felt favored and glowing and like I could take on the world!! 

The truth is, none of my imaginings got to happen and I'm feeling a bit blue because Olivia's not here today.

Anyway.

I have only a couple of ultrasound pictures of Pennie and Olivia together in my womb. Right after we found out that we were having twins, I made a scrapbook page of some of their ultrasound pictures.  After Olivia went Home, I had to put the page away.  I had to hide it.  It was just so deeply wrenching to see it, to look at it, and to be stared at by all of those unmet expectations.

And I have to be honest, I secretly wish to have twins again.  I wish and occasionally tell the Lord that I'd love to have two living, breathing, healthy twins.  I know that it's a very, very slim possibility now, at my age…..

Maybe as slim a possibility that I'd have random, natural twins in the first place.

I miss Olivia. 

But she lives on in my heart and in the precious, dear face of her other half, Pennie.

Almost 6 Weeks!

I can't believe I'm actually doing this post!

I can't believe our Jack is already 6 weeks old….well, technically he isn't really 6 weeks old yet, but he will be on Friday! 

My Little Man will be 6 weeks old on Valentine's Day! 

MAKE ME CRY!!!!!

He is totally my little snuggle man….in fact, I'm semi-reclining in the desk chair and he's sleeping on my chest.  

I thought I'd do an update on how he's doing and post some pictures that my girls took today.  I'll post like I'm writing to Jack, because I've seen that on other blogs and I always thought it was so great.

Okay, prepare to be blown away by Jack's sheer awesomeness and total gorgeousity!

I just created a new word!

Jack, I'm still in awe of you.  I'm still enchanted with your every breath and sigh. I still cannot believe that you're really here.  It doesn't matter to me how much time passes, I still marvel that you are ours.  This picture of you, the one up above, to me, is the essence of purity and beauty.  You were on Daddy's lap and we were so glad to have caught this moment on film.  You love your naps and you were sound asleep in this picture.  The blanket was made for you by some very dear friends who live in Idaho. 

You are steadily and surely getting bigger! At first, you weren't gaining hardly any weight at all.  At your 3 week check up with the midwife, you had only gained 2 ounces. I guess you were supposed to have gained much more than that, at least an ounce a day! Well, Mama was determined to fix that and to "fatten you up", so to speak.  The midwife recommended that we come in every week to monitor your weight gain and to see how nursing was going.  I took her seriously and got down to business, and by your next check up a week later, you had gained more than 6 ounces!! 

You're long and skinny still. Your feet are super long and thin and I love kissing your little teeny toes.  You love having socks on, which has been different for us because all of my other babies kicked their socks off as soon as they were put on! You're still too small for most of your clothes.  You are too small for 3-6 month clothes, but we still put them on you because they're long enough.  So, most of the onesies you wear are 0-3 months and the pants and jeans you're wearing are mostly 3-6 months because you're super long!

Our midwife wasn't there at your 4 week check up, but I called her today and she was so happy with your weight gain that we rescheduled our check up for next week!

You are nursed exclusively.  You nurse about every 2.5 to 3 hours.  At first, unbeknownst to me, you were latching on wrong and nursing wrong, and it was super painful! I thought it was so painful because you were just a hard sucker, but we learned that you weren't latching on right, thus the painful nursing and poor weight gain. You were only going for about an hour and a half between feedings!  So, our midwife's assistant helped me out and now, nursing is wonderful! You nurse on both sides mostly, for about 15-20 minutes a side.  I also had to start eating more calories and getting more water because I was not eating anything, and instead of making really rich, good milk, mine was basically skim milk! So I'm trying to get more fluids!! It seems to have 
helped because you're so much more satisfied and full!

You start getting tired about 20 minutes after a feeding.  You love to sleep on Mama, and you wake up about every 3 hours at night to eat.  You sleep a lot still, after every feeding you will sleep for at least an hour.  You love to snuggle with me and sleep! You aren't sleeping in your crib yet, partly because we don't have your bedding yet and partly because you love to sleep with me…and I'm not really ready to let you go in your crib yet!

You are having more awake time too.  You have stayed awake after a feeding for about an hour or so! You have a lot of facial expressions and I love them all! You turn your head toward my voice and you have a really strong neck and you love to hold your head up for a long time.  You can stand a bit on your legs, and you push with your legs when your legs are against my tummy. You're starting to use your arms with purpose and you look at your toes as though they fascinate you!

You smile all the time.  You love your sisters and your brother, and they all love to hold you.  You reserve most of your smiles for Mama though.  In fact, you are a total Mama's Boy, as we can tell right now by the fact that Daddy is holding you and you are totally hysterical.  You don't like to go a long time without Mama, and so I'm having to hurry with this post!

I love to kiss your little soft lips and your cheeks.  I love to look into your gray eyes and see the intelligence there.  Your cooing and gurgling so much now.  I get the feeling that you're going to have a lot to say and you won't be a silent baby!

These toes!! I am so in love with them.  To think that these precious little toes grew inside of me…it's really too wonderful for me to fathom! I always put socks on you because our house can be cold and you love your socks.  Someone gave me some socks that fit really well and don't ever slip off and we love them.  I could caress each line and dimple on your feet all day!

Your little hands fill me with joy! You are starting to use your arms with purpose now, and this evening while I was feeding you I noticed that it looked like you wanted to caress my skin with your hand.  That nearly made me cry! You have super long fingers and very thin hands.  I don't think you're going to be a chubby baby! Maybe you'll play the piano one day like your big sisters!

Jack, it has been a hard, grueling, wonderful, joyful, precious road I've been walking since you arrived.  I'll never forget that God granted us a miracle with you.  The fact that you're here and with us and in our arms is a wonder and a joy that I do not take for granted at all.  

I love you so much, my Little Man!  

Love Mama

Hello

I'm just stepping in to say hi and to let you all know that I'm okay and Jack's okay….

But let's be honest, I'm in the trenches in the Newborn Days.  Anyone who's had a newborn understands the Newborn Days without me elaborating!

These days are sweet and awesome and fabulous and hard and grueling and for the first 6 weeks or so, it kind of feels like you're living in a cave and it's pretty dark in the cave and you haven't showered or bathed or even washed your face or changed your clothes for days and your teeth feel like you need to shave them….forget about even brushing your hair or even thinking a coherent thought during the first 6 weeks of Newborn Days.

Can you relate?

Jack is now officially one month old as of February 3rd, and he's seriously the best gift we could ever have gotten.  I could sit and hold him all day long….

Wait, I do! I DO sit and hold him most of the day AND night too….

It fills me up and I think he and I need each other.

Now, I wrote down Jack's Birth Story because I want to post it for you all to read, but when I got finished, I realized that it was about 10 pages long!! Do I need to edit it or do I need to post it in parts???

Oy.

I guess I'm just wordy.  TOO wordy!

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that we're okay and now, I'm going to snuggle up with my newborn son!

More posts and more pictures forthcoming.

Stay tuned!