Finding Home

I sure hope this post doesn't sound irreverent or totally unspiritual......

I went to church today for the first time in quite a few weeks. At first I didn't go because it's pretty hard to sit up straight when you lose a quart of blood, and it has taken me a long time to get up to par physically. I'm not there yet.

We also haven't had a van for over 4 weeks. We have my husband's little 4-door work car, and this morning my husband told me that EVERYONE was going. This met with a mixed response from me, in my heart....

It isn't that I hate my church. But that's a whole nother post. It's just that I wanted to stay home! I wanted to prepare my home for Easter and I just plain wanted to stay home like I had been doing and loving it, and I haven't even felt guilty about that either! I'm not big on being in church every time the doors open to show my super-spiritual holiness.

Nevertheless, I went to church this morning......

The real secret here is that I hate to have to pretend. You've all done it before. You know the scene: you're somewhere where you know the people, but you just get so tired of being fake, because in reality, you don't really know them, and they don't really know you.

We've been away from these particular people for almost 4 years and just came back last year to be the worship team. In that 4 years of away time, I've grown and changed and had a catharsis......and it's like so hard because I no longer have anything in common with these people! I come and smile and nod and just don't feel the freedom to be me. I guess I've grown out of them, you know what I mean?? I feel that they know the old me, and so they are having a hard time coming to grips with the new-and-VASTLY-improved me...like they hold me to past standards that are no longer valid in my heart or life.....

And that's the reason why I don't like going to church. It's so hard to be cardboard when all you want to do is sob on someone who loves you's shoulder! You know? And it's so hard to nod and smile when you have not the faintest thing in common with these old friends anymore. It's so wearing for me to try to find something to talk about, when our lifestyles are so divergent and so glaringly different!

I find refreshment in my home. Well, my thought or question is, shouldn't I be finding refreshment in my church? Shouldn't I be excited to go to church? Shouldn't I? I find so much peace with just me and my husband and my kids, eating meals together, watching an Andy Griffith episode, listening with rapt attention while Daddy reads aloud, snacking on strawberries and whipped cream.....THIS is where my serenity comes from, and it goes out the window as soon as I step into my church. It's so sad.....but so true!

I just want a place where I can be real. I want a place where my family and our philosophies are the norm, not the exception. I want a place where we have something in common. I want a place where I can feel peaceful.....

I guess I want a place that feels like home.