Thoughts

Yesterday was Pennie's 3rd birthday.

I brought her a chicken nugget kid's meal, complete with fries and a drink…you would have thought she had just won the lottery! She was so cute when I came in the door with the red and white bag from Wendy's! She squealed and jumped up and down.  I also got her a sucker from my favorite coffee place.  She always loves those suckers and feels so special when I get her one.

Sigh.

The truth is, I've been thinking about Olivia a ton lately.

If you want to read about our journey with twins, go here.

It's been a long time now since Olivia went to Heaven.

But I still think about her.

She was the other half of Pennie's shell.  She is perfectly reflected in Pennie's face and eyes and smile and hair, and this is comforting to me….and at the same time….

It isn't.

I still struggle with wanting both of those babies.  I struggle with feeling slighted, with feeling cheated.  I took such possession of both of them right away! I prayed for them! We had prayed for twins for years! But the real story is, Olivia was not for this world.

Oh, but I wanted her with every fiber of my being!

I do have to say that if there was anything easier in losing one of our twins than any of our other stillbirths or miscarriages, it's that Olivia and Pennie were identical and sometimes it feels like getting a glimpse of Olivia when I look at Pennie.

Maybe it's just because Pennie's birthday was here that I'd been thinking a lot about Olivia.  I don't know.

I can sometimes vividly imagine the two of them together.  I imagine how they'd be together, how they'd share a special bond and how they'd be each other's best friend.  I imagine how proud I'd be to be the mom of twins!  We were so ecstatic when we found out I'd be having twins.  I felt favored and glowing and like I could take on the world!! 

The truth is, none of my imaginings got to happen and I'm feeling a bit blue because Olivia's not here today.

Anyway.

I have only a couple of ultrasound pictures of Pennie and Olivia together in my womb. Right after we found out that we were having twins, I made a scrapbook page of some of their ultrasound pictures.  After Olivia went Home, I had to put the page away.  I had to hide it.  It was just so deeply wrenching to see it, to look at it, and to be stared at by all of those unmet expectations.

And I have to be honest, I secretly wish to have twins again.  I wish and occasionally tell the Lord that I'd love to have two living, breathing, healthy twins.  I know that it's a very, very slim possibility now, at my age…..

Maybe as slim a possibility that I'd have random, natural twins in the first place.

I miss Olivia. 

But she lives on in my heart and in the precious, dear face of her other half, Pennie.