Trust

I keep thinking about this verse, and the concept of it, the idea of it, lived out.

"Trust in the Lord
with all your heart.
In all your ways
acknowledge Him,
and He shall direct 
your path." Proverbs 3:5~6

l keep wondering, contemplating, what this ought to look like, in my life.

It is a hard revelation, to me, to know that I am not trusting Him in all my ways.  

You may ask, how do you know you aren't trusting Him?

Well, because I keep constantly telling Him MY will, and MY desire, and MY timetable for all of those things.  I say I trust Him.....

But I know in my heart of hearts that I really do not.

You may think that is harsh, but I know it is true, and I am always examining the depths of the deepest parts of my heart and soul.  And I always come up with the gnawing revelation that....

All of my heart does NOT trust Him.
And in all of my ways I do not acknowledge Him.

I know this because I am constantly giving things to Him, and then at the turn of a coin, I take them back.  Over and over, on and on.  I say I want Him to have all of me, the very things that I hold the dearest, and then I snatch them back, like an angry toddler with a favorite toy.

I go through this, and on and on and on with it, most days.  

Oh, I have moments of what may look to me like trust.  I have moments when I pry open my selfish hands and hold that area up to Him...

But I know, way down where only He and I can see, that I need to trust Him more.  Fully.  All the way.  

IF I really did trust Him, wouldn't I just ask Him to do HIS will in my life and heart?  If I acknowledged Him in all of my ways, wouldn't I ask Him for HIS ways to be my ways??

This conundrum makes me sigh and, if I were a pacer, I'd pace ceaselessly.

And I tire of this give-and-take.

I know that He is gently nudging me to give ALL to Him.  I know that He never lets me forget that I must trust Him.  I know that trusting Him fully and acknowledging Him in all of my ways leads to life and joy and peace.

I ask myself, do I have the faith to trust Him? Do I have the faith to let Him inform my view of what that looks like?? Do I have the voice to truly, in all of my ways, acknowledge Him??

A dear friend, upon hearing that I felt my faith was smaller than a poppy seed, recently told me that at least there was a poppy seed.

And I struggle with knowing that my faith is so small, for one who has been a Christian for almost 27 years.

As I write this post, and as I roll these things around in my mind, I wonder if anyone else has these same thoughts.

I wonder, how does trust look to you?