Unexpected Silence

There really is no way to frost this post to make it look pretty.

It shatters me, no matter from what angle I look.

So, let's begin.

I've had a big, exciting secret.

I'm pregnant.

I was waiting and planning just the right time to do a post on my blog.  Would I  put a "Big Sister" shirt on Pennie and take a picture to post? Would I record a little ditty about our baby? I had spent the last weeks looking for a creative, unique way to tell my blog world that we were expecting, but I felt myself waiting for the very perfect moment.

I got to see the baby at my first 7 week appointment.  There was a little peanut on that screen!! And the first thing I saw was that teenie, minuscule heart beating!!! I was floored.  I was riveted.  I had never gotten to see my baby's heart beating when she was that tiny in my womb.

And I was feeling siiiiick.  I was so queasy all day.  "Morning sickness" is a myth, gals.  I'm sure you know that.  I was so tired I would fall asleep on the couch before noon.  And STARVING! And craving.....

I was so happy to take that picture of our little baby home with me!

At this point, we were not going to tell anyone.  I did pick two of my friends to tell, just because I think I would burst if I didn't tell someone!

This pregnancy has been so important to us, because we had been trying for another baby for so long. We had been trying for over a year.  Early on in our trying, I would take a pregnancy test every month, because I was just SURE that month would be IT! And it wasn't.  And it wasn't.  And it wasn't, again.  Weeks passed.  They turned into months, and the months became a year.  And then it was over a year.

At the end of July, I started to act strange.

My husband told me to go immediately take a test.  I didn't want to because long ago I had given up on my fertility and thought that maybe the tons of blank and empty pregnancy tests were God's way of telling me my childbearing days were over.  

But I caved and took a test.

And it was positive.  I think I forgot how to read when I looked at that first test because I just stared at it in shock and disbelief.  It probably took less than a minute to trumpet the word "Pregnant" across the screen, but I bet I sat there for at least 5 minutes, just staring at it.

I was so shocked that I took another test.

My husband had told me to take a test, but he didn't know when I was going to take it.  

I came out of the bathroom and handed the stick to him. 

A huge smile lit up his face and he began to laugh.

We called everybody around Daddy, and we passed the stick to Hannah.

Everyone was looking over her shoulder.

There were gasps and shouts and we were all celebrating together.

So, after that initial doctor's appointment and ultrasound, I took possession of this baby.  I named her.  I was certain it was a girl.  I began to fantasize about tiny baby feet and sweet smelling newborn skin and how blessed our baby would be because I had saved all of my baby girl stuff.

I left the doctor's office with that precious black and white picture in my hand and an appointment for my next appointment at three months.

It seemed that those 6 weeks between appointments dragged at a sloth's pace!

But finally, Monday the 29th was the day! I would get to see my baby again! 

I was nervous.  I was excited.  I just couldn't wait!

Sara, Kellie and I loaded up in the car and set out on our 45 minute trip.

We got there with time to spare.

They called us back very quickly.

The girls came in with me to the sonogram room.

The room was dim and peaceful and yet, I could hear the whispers of memories past.....

I laid down on the sheet-shrouded bed.  The tech covered my legs and squeezed the wet, warm gel on my middle.  I had to concentrate to not hyperventilate in my nervous excitement!

He placed the wand on my middle and there was our baby.

Whole.  Perfectly formed.  

But.....

Where was that heartbeat that I had seen bumping along 6 weeks ago?

"It doesn't look good."

I turned my head to look at him.

"What??"

"I need to go get Dr W."

I was still staring at him, my eyes piercing him like laser points of dread and fear.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"There's no heartbeat."

And I cried out to God.

Please, Lord.

Please.

Dr. W said our baby's measuring at 9.5 weeks.

All of those weeks begging the Lord to let our baby come home to us and live with us.....all of those fantasies and lemon drop thoughts! 

Again.

The sound that I most wanted to hear, the melody that I most wanted to sing along with is not to be.  There was no sound.

Again.

So friends, I write this post to tell you that though I am almost 13 weeks pregnant today, my baby has gone to Heaven to be with her God.  I was not expecting to hear that silence.  I was sure that my heart could not shatter into any more pieces.  

On the drive home, all I could hear in my mind, over and over.....our baby's dead...our baby's dead....our baby's dead.....

I got to see on the ultrasound that she was perfect.  Everything looked great.  The doctor didn't know what to say.

Now the road that I'm on, this winding, rocky road of grief and sorrow, must lengthen again.  I cannot take a free ride yet.  The path is dry and the dust blows into my eyes so that I cannot see the end.  My mouth is parched and I've never been so thirsty.  My feet plod on, devoid of strength.  My heart faints within me.  I don't want to, but I have to ask.....

God, where are You??

I ask for your prayers during the next several weeks.  The doctor was fine with me waiting for things to happen naturally.  This is my fourth time, so I know what to expect.  We've been here before, but that doesn't make it any easier.

We wanted this baby very much.

And so, we say goodbye to her.  We will never forget.  She will always hold a place in our hearts.  How can I wish her back to my womb when she dances before the Lord? How can I want her back here when she beholds the very face of God??

Meanwhile, down here on this ball of clay, I must put one foot in front of the other.