Thinking

Bear with me here friends, because this may be a rather rambling post.

I'm still here.  And I'm thinking a lot lately.

I haven't done an update on Pennie recently.  

She is, well, she is just the most delicious baby.  She is gorgeous and vibrant and inquisitive.  She is almost 11 months old, can you believe that? I wish I had a good computer, so that I can post pictures of her.  I just can scarcely believe that next month she will be one year old! 

Pennie is pretty small, to me.  I guess what I mean is that she's small at this age, compared to our other kids at this age.  She wears 12 month clothes, just because I love swing tops with leggings, and I like the tops to be more like dresses.....But she swims in that size! We moved her up to size 4 diapers because I bought Kirkland brand this time, and they're pretty big on her.  I have to overlap the tabs all the way. Lots of grow room!

She sleeps in our room in her crib.  She goes to bed around 10 PM and sleeps about 5 hours, on a good night! She takes two or three naps a day, but she's getting better at trying to stay awake more.

She can pull herself up now.  She started doing that about three weeks ago.  She is still learning to use her legs and doesn't really cruise or scoot along at all.  If she wants to get somewhere she typically crawls.  She can really move when she crawls.

I so wish I could post pictures of her! That's the reason I haven't done any kind of updates on her, because we aren't able to post pictures anymore.  It's a real bummer.

She makes me so happy.  I deeply, intrinsically recognize how abundantly blessed I am to have her.  Still....


Still.....


I look at her and I find myself wondering what it would be like if there were two of her.  Sometimes I can almost feel Olivia's presence as I look at Pennie. And this makes me feel guilty because my mind tells me that I ought to be more thankful for Pennie and be glad that Olivia is in Heaven.


Most of the time, these thoughts come to me out of the blue.  Mostly the memories come to me against my will.  I have tried so hard to stuff that grief and that disappointment and that sense of deep sadness.  I try to not go there, to that deep place, because I ought to be over that grief now.  At least that's what I tell myself....


The truth is, I had twins in my tummy.  I wanted those twins more than life itself.  And then, one day, Jesus came to get one of my twins, and there was just one left in my tummy.  And that is the nitty gritty of it.  


I was thinking today that I wish dearly that I had enjoyed that time more.  That I should have taken it easier on my bed rest.  That I had stroked my tummy more and talked to them more and been more grateful and shouldhavecouldhavewouldhave......


Tonight I'm just so sad.  I miss Olivia terribly.  I love Pennie so deeply.  I remember every single moment of those days, with both of them in my tummy.  My tummy hurts and my throat is tight and this is how it is when I am stuffing the things that I just can't deal with. But I fear that letting the tears flow and the memories come will devastate me and break me and scar me forever.


I went online tonight and just googled a question.  I wanted to know if there was a higher chance for me to have twins again if I've had them once.  I almost felt guilty for surfing around to the different sites out there, to the different blogs of women with multiples, because it only reminded me of what I don't have....and it made me desperately want to have twins again.  


It has been over a year since Olivia Caroline died.  October 19, 2010.  It doesn't seem like a year to me.  I see her every time I look at Pennie.  I wonder, would she still be as spunky and peppy as she was in my womb? Would they fall asleep entangled around each other? Would they share toys and talk to each other and would one walk sooner than the other? Would Olivia have a heart-shaped birth mark on her other foot?? Pennie has a tiny red heart-shaped birth mark on the inside of her left ankle, and I like to think that that was Olivia's last gift to her before she went to Heaven....


The truth is, it's just torture.  That's why I haven't dealt with any of my grief or fear or disappointment or feelings of failure there.  It's just torture and it's no good to bring it all up again, to whom?? With who am I safe to show that side of me? So then, when those feelings do come up, and the tears and sadness come, they threaten to overwhelm me and not stop and I almost can't control them anymore, and my chest feels like it's going to cave in and I've never sobbed that hard and all the feelings just come rushing in.....

I am so blessed.  I have such a fantastic life.  My family amazes me.  I am secure and loved and sheltered.  Jesus Christ died for my sins, and I acknowledge that fact.  He lives in my heart and I have a vital relationship with Him, and I know I am going to live eternally with Him.  I have so, so much to be grateful for.  I have no right to spiral into grief and sadness and I don't want to live there anymore......

But I want it back.  I want to have Olivia AND Pennie.  I know it isn't possible this side of Heaven.  But I can't help carrying around that thought and wish, deep, deep down in the depths of the place that my breath comes from, the place that my very life comes from.


And then, I listen and I can hear Pennie, in the living room, talking to her sisters, being the blessing that God called her to be.....I crave her like air, water, and more than food. I pick her up and I rub my cheek against the top of her soft, warm head, and I know that two halves of a whole cannot be separated forever.