Janie's Place

Monday I went up to Janie's Place.

Let me tell you a tiny bit of her story.

When I was in labor with her, my dear friend Shawna was with me.  She stayed with me and basically took care of me through it all.  Janie's labor and birth were such a strange and sad experience, and I remember how odd it was not to be hooked up to a fetal monitor during her labor.  It cemented in my heart the fact that she did not have a heartbeat and that I would have a baby who was not alive.  Shawna had gone through the same experience before me and she was a jewel, a gem, a Godsend.

Shawna had worked at the hospital prior to Jane's birth.  She knew people.  Little did I know how providential her friendship would be to us then.

Dave and I had never gone through such a terrible time before.  We had never even buried someone who was close to us, and so, we had no idea what to do after Janie was born.  We surely did not have thousands of dollars to buy a private plot for her and have a headstone engraved, and we didn't even know how to go about doing that either.

Enter Shawna.

Unbeknowst to us at the time, she had been instrumental in facilitating a program, in partnership with our hospital, that built a place for moms to bury their stillborn babies and have their names engraved on a beautiful headstone in the middle of a local, gorgeous cemetery.  The cost was very, very affordable for us.

We now had the small assurance, when Dave handed the tiny, still body of his daughter to the kind man outside our room, that we would have a place to remember her.

So, we went ahead and had a memorial service for Jane. Let me tell you, I will never forget seeing that tiny white casket there that day.  I had hoped after that day that I would never, ever have to stand in that place again....

We started calling the place Janie's Place soon after she was buried there.  It is one of the most peaceful places on earth to me.  It sits on a high hill on the outskirts of our town and it is immaculately kept.  There is a chapel there too in which we had Janie's service, and it is gorgeous.  We feel fortunate and blessed to have a place like that in our town, so close to us.

We chose to bury Olivia there too, right next to her big sister.  And yes, I found myself again standing in that very same chapel, staring at an identical white casket.  And it was a very surreal experience this time, bringing Olivia's other half, her identical twin sister who was 10 days old at the time, to her funeral service.  It was happening again.....

But the place where my babies are is so incredibly peaceful.  When I went up there on Monday, as I drove up the winding lane toward Janie's Place, two young deer were grazing right there.  I drove very slowly and as I parked, they walked a couple of paces away, but they didn't run or flee.  They stayed there the whole time I was there, just quietly grazing on the lush, moist green grass.  I even walked closer to them, to another place where another family's twins are sleeping, and they didn't even bat an eye.

I love that place.  My husband's beloved maternal grandfather was laid to rest there 10 years ago this June.  So it's a pretty special place.

If any Mama is reading this post and is currently going through the heart-wrenching, soul scarring journey of giving birth to a stillborn baby, I would encourage you to check with your hospital and find out if they offer the same type of service.  It can be so calming to have a place in which to physically go to grieve your baby.  It can be so healing to have a tangible place as a memorial.

And I get a semblance of peace as I run my fingers along my baby girls' names, etched deeply in that stone.  The granite reflects the names etched so indelibely and so permanently on my heart.

Thank You Father for Janie's Place.

Hair

Okay, let's talk about hair.

With 7 girls in this house and with 5 of those girls having loads of thick, beautiful, unruly hair, you might guess that we have lots of clips, ponytail holders, headbands and the like in our bathroom.

Actually, we used to.

More accurately, we sometimes do.

But they disappear.

I cannot tell you how many times I have bought several packages of hair goodies on paydays.  Ponytail holders.  Claw clips of every size and color.  Barrettes.  Headbands. Flower clips.  Jeweled barrettes.  Plain combs.  You name it, I've bought it.  Multiple times.

And they've ALL disappeared.  I'm not exaggerating here folks.  It doesn't matter if there are 10 or 20 or even 50 of the squirrely little hair beauties, they've ALL, each and every one of them, DISAPPEARED!

No matter the method of storage, each and every clip and barrette and ponytail holder has gotten lost, never to be found again.  I'm constantly, constantly searching for things to hold my girls' hair! I'm constantly admonishing them and warning them and watching them and telling them to put them back when they're done with them or when they take them out of their hair at night, to no avail!

I've tried the ribbons mounted on the wall of the bathroom.  I've tried the bulletin board method.  I've tried the divided drawer organizer.  I've tried boxes.  I've tried baskets.....I think you get the picture.  I've even tried hiding the hair accessories, which I don't like to do because the girls like to do each other's hair and I want them to be able to find the things easily.  And besides, I don't want to be the Mean Mama whose children are not allowed to do anything or touch anything or have anything.....at least, that's how I feel when I hide things from them.

I'm at my wit's end, people.

I've spent so much money in the past years on things to decorate and hold back hair! I also like to use things to beautify and hold back my own hair, but they're never there when I need them and whenever I ask the girls where they are, they always say "I don't know."

I'm not sure what to do about this mystifying problem.

I love tidy hair.  I love sleek and orderly hair.  And in my family, with all of this hair, if I don't take care of it, it's anything BUT orderly and sleek.  Most of the girls can do their own hair.  But they are ALWAYS losing the hair things!! And a girl can't have orderly, nice looking hair without the proper hair accessories.

This is just a glimpse of a portion of life with 7 girls under one roof all the time, every day, day in and day out.

If I was rich, I'd have a whole CLOSET full of hair accessories. 

And then I'd never have to worry about not having the right accessory at the right time.

Right???

Diapers

Ladies, it's really amazing to me how much I know about diapers.

It's mind-boggling how much I think about diapers.

It's shocking how many different brands of diapers I've tried.

It's exhausting to think of how many diapers we've gone through in our 17 years of raising children.

Let's face it: I'm picky.  I'm particular.  I'm a stickler.  I'm hard to impress.

When I evaluate a diaper, I evaluate the whole package, from the fit to the color to the smell to the softness to yes, even the picture on the diaper.

Over the years I've maybe liked the fit of one diaper but hated the way it felt.  With another diaper I've loved the way if felt but noticed it leaked all the time.  Still another time, I loved the absorbancy of a diaper but hated the pictures on it.  So you see, I'm pretty hard to please when it comes to diapers.

My friends, I'm here to tell you today that I think I've found my dream diaper.

Yes, you read that right.

Last payday I was browsing sale ads when I saw a coupon for Huggies Little Movers. I had really liked Huggies Snug and Dry previously but was sick to death of staring at masculine pictures of Mickey Mouse all day long (GAG!)  Upon wandering around at Target I noticed that Little Movers were on sale! And it was a ridiculously good sale too.  And let me tell you, I'm pretty familiar with diaper prices! I keep myself informed.  Anyway, the sale was on a large box (96 diapers) and so, I took the plunge.  I grabbed a box and what did I see? Another coupon on the side of the box! It was way better than the store coupon, so I peeled it off and marched to the check stand. I payed for the box of diapers and left the store.

I already knew I actually liked the pictures on the diapers.  They were cute pastels of Pooh and Tigger, and they weren't masculine or manly.  I mean, I have girl babies and I do NOT want them to be looking like boy babies in their diapers! I remember when Russell and Hannah were babies and how they had specifically BOY and GIRL diapers! I looooved those! I loved not having to guess which was which.  I guess the gender-neutral diapers is a symptom of the de-genderizing of our society, but I digress.......

So I got the diapers home and I bet you would believe me when I said I was really excited about trying them out! Yes, I'm a stay at home mom and yes, I do get excited about new diapers and new hair clips and new sippy cups! I grabbed Pennie and carried her to the changing table, even though she didn't need her diaper changed.  Hey, I wanted to try them out right away! I I took one out of the box and was initially skeptical when I saw how thin they were.  HOW would this paper-thin diaper stand up to extra wetness and, shall we say, "other things"?

Well, let's make a long story short, shall we? I love the diapers.  I mean it.  They meet every point of my strenuous criteria for diapers.  They're cute.  They're soft.  They're long.  They don't sag.  They hug her legs.  They're really, really absorbant.  They keep her dry.  They don't have any fragrance in them but they don't stink when she does her business.  They don't give her a rash.  They aren't the cheapest diapers out there, running about 29 cents a diaper, but if I'm constantly changing diapers because they don't absorb a lot, then the cheap ones aren't cheap in the long run either, and cost of diapers has never been an issue with me.

I think I've found my new favorite.

And no, Huggies did NOT pay me to do this post.  And why not!!!???

Life Girl

Very soon we have another gal having a birthday in our house.  And that gal's birthday is in three days!

Friday, Sofia Elisabeth will turn 6 years old.

We sometimes call her our Life Girl.  Let me explain a bit:

Sofia was our first pregnancy after Janie Rose went to be with Jesus.  I waited for two and a half years to try again.  The reason I say *I* waited is because my husband did not want to wait to try again to get pregnant.  He wanted to try again right away.  And I was just too broken to hand my fertility back to the Lord after taking it from Him when our Jane left us.  So my husband was gracious enough to let me wait.  Even though he wanted another baby so badly, he didn't pressure me or berate me.  I was grateful......

It took me two and a half years to even have an inkling of wanting to have another baby.  It terrified me deeply to think of having another baby and I was hideously tormented to think that God might take another one of our babies home to Him......

And then came the day when I was just comfortable enough with the idea of having a baby again.....and we saw two pink lines on the stick!

Fear and doubt gripped me tightly and it was the hardest pregnancy I have ever had, emotionally.  It was a breeze, physically.  I was watched like a hawk by my doctors. 

The day she was born was one of the sweetest and most victorious days of my entire life.  Through Sofia, God brought my heart back to life.  He showed me that I was capable again of loving without reservation.  He allowed her to bring back to life what was dead and old and He painted new colors in my world where all of the color had faded to gray. 

I loved Sofia with a desperate sort of abandon as soon as she was in my arms.  I gave everything I had to her.

And she didn't die.

She has graced our lives with so much Life and sparkle and joy and laughing and wild and silly music!

Six years of never really thinking of being without her forever.  Six beautiful years of her filling her place in our family!

I'm thankful to God.  Deeply.  I now know that with Sofia, my love didn't kill her.  I loved her enough to get her here.  There was nothing I did to end her life, praise God.  That's good to know.

And even as I fight those voices that tell me that the new death that came when Olivia flew was my fault, Sofia still fills my heart.  God still teaches me through her.

Happy 6th birthday, Life Girl!

Muffins

Guess what I did?

I started my own business!

Let me explain.

To help you understand better, let me give you a bit of history.

Five and a half years ago, when Sofia was a baby, I eliminated gluten from my diet.  Any type of gluten or wheat left my diet.  Breads, noodles, pizza, and everything like that.  Prior to this drastic decision, I noticed that I had been feeling really, REALLY lousy for many years and I just did NOT know why.  To make a long story short, I started to do some research and came up with a list of symptoms that perfectly matched mine, and they all pointed to celiac disease or at the very least, gluten sensitivity.  I bet all of you reading this know what celiac disease is, so I won't go into details about that, but I went on a very strict diet.....

And the difference in my health within just the first two weeks was remarkable.  Almost miraculous.  I kid you not.  I felt so much better within the first two weeks that I was able to start excercising, which is something I had never done.  In the first 5 weeks of my lifestyle change I lost 20 lbs.  You see, I was extremely overweight, to the tune of 220 lbs on my 5 foot 6 inch frame of small bones.  A size 18 was tight on me, and I was terrified.  I did NOT want to go up to a size 20.  Something had to give.  Enter my lifestyle change.  All told, in a year from the date of The Change, I had lost 80 lbs and was wearing a size 10.  But the most amazing thing to me was the way I felt.  I felt like a new person!!

Anyway, over the years I've tried many, many prepackaged gluten free items and found most of them to be severely lacking in flavor and texture.  How does eating a bowlful of sawdust sprinkled liberally with sand sound?? Not very appetizing, does it? So I have been on a quest.  Let me tell you about my quest.

Recently I decided to investigate different gluten free flours and prepackaged flour blends to bake my own things.  I bought a gluten free cook book and set to work.  The book gave a recipe for making your own flour blend, which, in the beginning, I found passable.  Okay.  Mediocre.  By this time I had gained enough confidence in baking and cooking gluten and wheat free to be able to start playing around on my own.  So I did. 

I created my own flour blends! I created a muffin/loaf mix and an all-purpose flour blend.

And I started making muffins.  Specifically muffins, at first.  I came up with some original recipes.  People started to sit up and take notice of my muffins.  And an idea bloomed slowly in my mind.

Why not make muffins for people? Why not offer muffins to those of us who have food allergies? What about making muffins for school parties? How about baby showers or bridal showers or business meetings?

And my business was born.

I knew my muffins were extraordinarily good.  In fact, the feedback I was getting was that my muffins were the best anyone had ever had.  Okay then.  Well then.....

I have a favorite coffee house in town.  You all know how much I adore my coffee drinks.  And I had established a warm and loving relationship with the gals at the coffee house too.  These gals were becoming close friends.  So one day I brought my Peanut Butter Muffins in to give to the owner and some of the gals.....and the rest, as they say, is history.

My favorite coffee house now sells my loaves.  And my brand new business card is there too.  It's terribly cute.  I came up with the template myself and then my oldest daughter Hannah designed it for me.  She rules.

I'm thinking about branching out a bit too, locally.  Heck, I'm even thinking about entering a few recipe contests!

My business is called The Muffin Mama.  The back of my business cards say "Gluten Free Organic Loaves and Muffins".  I use organic eggs, flours, organic evaporated cane juice (which is a natural sugar), organic baking cocoa and chocolate chips, and organic flavorings.  My muffins and loaves have no preservatives or artificial flavors.  I use aluminum-free baking powder.  And since I cook and bake exclusively gluten and wheat free in my home, there is no risk of cross-contamination. I mix up batches of my muffin mix and all-purpose mix in bulk and store them in large, air-tight containers.

The most important thing, however, is that I have dedecated my business to the Lord.  I have placed it in His hands and asked Him to do with it what HE wants to do. I am explicitly Christian and I run a Christian business and I recognize the fact that my baking and cooking talents come straight from our Father, Who is the giver of good gifts and Who gives without stinginess or selfishness.

I've heard that there is a need for my products out there.  Listen gals, Starbuck's doesn't even have gluten free pastries! I think, if you're going to be a forefunner for innovation, you need to be paying attention to customers and their needs and the comments you're getting and even their suggestions.  After all, a business should exist solely for the customer and making them happy, or else, what kind of business is it going to be?

I'm hearing that this will be a potential income producer for my family.  I think I want to take it all the way, as far as I can go.  I'd love to "get noticed" by a network and have my own cooking show.  Maybe a specialty bakery is in my future.  I know that I want to stay kind of small, and I know that I'm hoping one day to hire my girls to be a part of my business.  I will be copyrighting my mix recipes and all of my recipes and leaving them to my girls in my will.  I want it to stay in the family.

So this is just a small glimpse of what I've been busy with the past few months.  Everyone is excited for me.  I'm excited for me.  And scared.  And contemplative.  I wonder what my future holds.  Somebody recently asked me if I was ready for what may be in store for me.  Yikes and Yay at the same time!

That's enough.  I've got a loaf in the oven and I need to get it over to my gals.  Bye!

One

Well.

Pennie is now one.  She turned one on February 20th.

**Small tears**

She really, really is such a sweet baby.  She is intensely loved by everyone in our home and we all just can't get enough of her!

Here's an update on what she's doing lately:

She still sleeps in our room, in her crib.  This week she started sleeping from about 10:30 PM to 5:30 AM, and I'm praising God for that! Truly.  I mean it! Of course, she wants to rock-and-roll before the sun is up, so I feed her and then hold her in our bed till she falls asleep again, and sometimes Daddy holds her too, just because he's like that and just because he knows I need sleep!! With sleeping that long at night, she no longer takes two naps during the day.  As long as she's still cheerful, the trade-off of her sleeping through the night is more than enough for me!

She weighs about 22 lbs.  She wears size 4 diapers and size 12-18 mth clothes, mainly dresses with leggings and swing tops with leggings. 

She stands up by herself.  She crawls fast, and everywhere! She can find me anywhere.  She doesn't seem to want to walk at all and when she is standing, she curls her toes in and looks down at her feet as if she hasn't any idea how they got there! I'm not worried about her walking.  She'll do it when she's ready.

She is such a lover! She kisses and hugs and snuggles and touches and plays with our hair.  She is a minister!

She likes to eat! She nurses still, about every 3 hours or so, sometimes not so much if she's busy.  She LOVES cucumbers and cheese and apples....she HATES avocadoes and is just starting to like bananas again.  She isn't really fond of mashed potatoes but likes roasted potatoes.

She still hasn't got tons of hair, but that's okay!

She's got at least 8 teeth....and it's been a bear for her to teethe! I think she's getting her molars....

When I ask her where each one of her sisters are by name, she'll look at them! She's so so smart!

She doesn't like headbands.  And I have to put socks on her with soft shoes, which I just don't happen to have, and we bought her some cute socks for her birthday but they've gone! Disappeared. Yuck.

She says "Ma-ma-ma-ma" all the time.  She can shake her head and looks hilarious when she tries to nod!

Anyways, that's an update on our dearly loved Pennie.  She is all and everything to us and we are so glad God allowed her to grace our home with her presence!

Family

Hey there.

Yes, it has been almost a month since I've blogged!!!

It isn't for lack of good ideas for posts.  I'll think of something I want to post and then I'll think, does everyone need to hear that? Is it dumb? Are you totally freaky? So you see, Myself and I talk about things and well, Myself wins out a lot! But today I won the arguement and I'm posting whatever I want! Sometimes I ought to tell Myself to just hush up.

I think I'll give you a glimpse of what's going on in my house right at the moment.

Currently my Newly Minted Three Year Old (Lulu) is running up and down the hallway, and on the way down and back she is slapping me five! She is seriously the CUTEST Three Year Old I have ever seen in all of my born days.  I know you all think YOUR Three Year Olds are cute, but uh-uh, mine is! Oh, and I forgot to mention, she's running with a pencil! Please, call the authorities, will ya??

My Son just made the most fabulous broiled hamburgers in all of the known universe.  Seriously.  They rival Red Robin for taste, which happens to be my favorite burger restaurant, though since it's about an hour away from us I don't go there often.  Thank God? Or Bummer? Ask my Big Ol' Back End! Seriously YUMMY! We use our own beef and a Secret Recipe. Yes, you can have the recipe.  Just send your payment for$250,000 to my Paypal account!

We make our own Heinz 57 sauce.  We call it *Ourlastname* 68.  No, I'm not going to tell you our last name.  Weirdos out there an all.....but I will tell you that it tasted famous on those yummy burgers!!

My house is tidy. I give all the thanks today to kids who did their jobs well and blessed my eyelashes off!

Everyone is gathering in the living room for a mid-afternoon round of Wii.  Love the Wii because they can play together.  I played for the first time the other night.  Gals, let me tell you that if those situations were real life, we'd all be dead! Or seriously injured with amnesia and broken appendages. But it sure was fun. Now all of the kids always want to play with me!

We currently have all of the windows open because during the broiling of the aforementioned Yummy Burgers, they got a little charred and our smoke alarm proceeded to make itself heard.  So now we're airing out the smoke. But most of the Yummy Burgers were cooked to perfection.

I actually love our living room without furniture of any sort! Yes, that's right, we do not own a single stick of furniture besides the Coffee Table That Has Seen Better Days and some mismatched bookcases.  We have a TV cabinet which houses our 30 Year Old TV and our DVD's and movies.  We also have a piano that hasn't been tuned since the last plague came down in Egypt.  But we have tons of room in our tiny living room for kids to dance and twirl and slide around in their socks!

My baby is drawing me like a magnet! She crawled up to me just a minute ago and pulled herself up on my leg and just looked up at me and cried for me to pick her up.  We're tight, she and I.  I just rubbed my lips on her soft head and mauled her face with kisses.  She eats it up.  She can find me literally anywhere I am in the house now.  And she does.  I could eat a regular serving of Pennie every day with a spoon!!

My son is playing the Lego Star Wars game on the Wii, which is actually pretty funny.  Two of his very favorite things, Lego and Star Wars, in one!

One of the funniest things I've ever seen is my Sofia, who is just this side of 6, play the Wii.  That girl has a healthy self-esteem and she is just about the most hilarious Wii player! She doesn't care if she wins or loses.  She just wants to be Big Stuff like her older sisters.  Oh, I love that girl!

I love this time in the day when we all are together and having good, quality time together and waiting for Daddy to get home from work.  I seriously think my kids are the bee's knees!