Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Mixed
Mixed.
It's what I feel like, my thoughts, my heart right now.
Happy.
Content.
Painful.
Raw.
Surprised.
Longing.
Fulfilled.
Missing.
Pierced.
Wondering.
Knowing.
Joyful.
Breathing.
Breathless.
A curious jumble. Just to caution you, this is going to be a very forthright post. A direct, honest, straightforward writing. I need to post because I need to straighten these things out. This will be a raw post. You may be shocked.
"Give sorrow words; the grief that doesn't speak whispers o'er the fraught heart and bids it break" From Macbeth
Anyway........
For some reason, more than any other time in my life, twins haunt me. We prayed for twins for at least 5 years, and never thought about it. What I mean is, it seems that everywhere I go, everything I read, every post I see.....I see twins. Everywhere. It pierces the very depth of my heart with a hot, sharp, rapier-like sting. I've read countless blogs, through surfing from other people's blogs, where the mom has had or is having twins. I see twins at the grocery store in my hometown where I never even noticed them before. I see matching outfits at the thrift store. I remember the day I was told I was going to have twins.
It sucks.
I'm surprised by how painful it is, even with one of my twins in my arms. Even while nursing Pennie. Even while having the fulfillment of having one live, healthy, beautiful baby.
I'm taken aback at the depth of my most intimate thoughts. I look askance at myself when I feel the cheated emptiness of that place that Olivia left unfilled.
I'm ashamed of the anger I feel when I see those other families, happy and full with their twins. When I sit in a room full of people and hear the words of the man who paid someone else, a surrogate, $20,000 to be implanted with two embryos and now has twins, I feel that sick, scornful pain. When my specialist tells me that what happened to us happens in less than 5% of twin pregnancies, I feel the scoffing irony that we are now in that 5%. I try to quell it, to give it to the Lord. I'm hollowed out by the skeptical sarcasm of the voice in my head that tells me it's all so unfair.......and why me?? And it's MY voice!
Why did God gift us with our very fondest desire, our most fervent prayer of two lives, just to spirit one away on the very heels of my clamping down in possession of those lives?
Why?
Even as I glory in every nook and cranny of Pennie, even as I soak her up like a thirsty, dry sponge, my heart asks why. My heart is half, but strangely whole.
I can't make anyone understand it.
I scarcely understand it myself.
My arms are full, but oddly empty.
The cloud of joy that I live in is rimmed with sorrow.
My smile is tinged with........hardness, against my will.
So........
I continue to give all of these things to Him Who knows exactly why. I try to remember that He is neither shocked nor repelled by these tears and frays in the fabric of me. I remember that it takes emptying out to be really full. It takes feeling deep sadness and going through sorrow to know real joy. If there isn't any hardness in me, or sickness in me, I don't need a Doctor. And the half of my heart that is gone is being taken over by the other half that is still living, that is Pennie's. The arms that are aching to hold two halves of one whole shell are now learning to be filled with cradling, kissing, gazing at the face of Heaven in my Pennie.....
And remembering that I can hear the wind, hear the ocean, and feel the cleansing flow of healing in that half of the shell, and I feel whole again.
It's what I feel like, my thoughts, my heart right now.
Happy.
Content.
Painful.
Raw.
Surprised.
Longing.
Fulfilled.
Missing.
Pierced.
Wondering.
Knowing.
Joyful.
Breathing.
Breathless.
A curious jumble. Just to caution you, this is going to be a very forthright post. A direct, honest, straightforward writing. I need to post because I need to straighten these things out. This will be a raw post. You may be shocked.
"Give sorrow words; the grief that doesn't speak whispers o'er the fraught heart and bids it break" From Macbeth
Anyway........
For some reason, more than any other time in my life, twins haunt me. We prayed for twins for at least 5 years, and never thought about it. What I mean is, it seems that everywhere I go, everything I read, every post I see.....I see twins. Everywhere. It pierces the very depth of my heart with a hot, sharp, rapier-like sting. I've read countless blogs, through surfing from other people's blogs, where the mom has had or is having twins. I see twins at the grocery store in my hometown where I never even noticed them before. I see matching outfits at the thrift store. I remember the day I was told I was going to have twins.
It sucks.
I'm surprised by how painful it is, even with one of my twins in my arms. Even while nursing Pennie. Even while having the fulfillment of having one live, healthy, beautiful baby.
I'm taken aback at the depth of my most intimate thoughts. I look askance at myself when I feel the cheated emptiness of that place that Olivia left unfilled.
I'm ashamed of the anger I feel when I see those other families, happy and full with their twins. When I sit in a room full of people and hear the words of the man who paid someone else, a surrogate, $20,000 to be implanted with two embryos and now has twins, I feel that sick, scornful pain. When my specialist tells me that what happened to us happens in less than 5% of twin pregnancies, I feel the scoffing irony that we are now in that 5%. I try to quell it, to give it to the Lord. I'm hollowed out by the skeptical sarcasm of the voice in my head that tells me it's all so unfair.......and why me?? And it's MY voice!
Why did God gift us with our very fondest desire, our most fervent prayer of two lives, just to spirit one away on the very heels of my clamping down in possession of those lives?
Why?
Even as I glory in every nook and cranny of Pennie, even as I soak her up like a thirsty, dry sponge, my heart asks why. My heart is half, but strangely whole.
I can't make anyone understand it.
I scarcely understand it myself.
My arms are full, but oddly empty.
The cloud of joy that I live in is rimmed with sorrow.
My smile is tinged with........hardness, against my will.
So........
I continue to give all of these things to Him Who knows exactly why. I try to remember that He is neither shocked nor repelled by these tears and frays in the fabric of me. I remember that it takes emptying out to be really full. It takes feeling deep sadness and going through sorrow to know real joy. If there isn't any hardness in me, or sickness in me, I don't need a Doctor. And the half of my heart that is gone is being taken over by the other half that is still living, that is Pennie's. The arms that are aching to hold two halves of one whole shell are now learning to be filled with cradling, kissing, gazing at the face of Heaven in my Pennie.....
And remembering that I can hear the wind, hear the ocean, and feel the cleansing flow of healing in that half of the shell, and I feel whole again.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
12 Days Old!
Yes, I know.
You all probably do not want to hear from me unless this post contains new photos of Our Pennie.
Sorry to disappoint you....no new pictures will be on this post. My Computer People have been busy lately and haven't gotten the new pictures loaded onto the computers. I do apologize and will remedy the situation shortly.
Okay.
How are we doing? Pennie is now 12 days old and it's been 12 days of the sweetest, most blessed, most blissful time ever. Gals, I'm living my own private Bissdom here! I'm typing this while she is deeply asleep on my chest. All of her warm, fantastic goodness is right here for me to kiss and smell and folks, it's just better than melty butter on waffles!!!
My mom keeps on asking me if I've put her down for more than two seconds since she's been born, and truthfully, I have, with giving her to her sisters to hold so I can go potty and putting her down to change her, but......I'm holding her a lot. Most of the time. Isn't that why God gave moms newborns? I mean, Mom has to recover too, and what better way to recover than with your newborn in your arms?? Besides, she needs me and the fact is.....
I need her.
We complete each other. We fill the place in each other that is an open wound from Olivia's death.
My dear friend who attended her birth said.....
We're healing each other.
Amen.
Pennie is such a peaceful baby. She allows me to sleep at least 4 hour stretches at night. She scarcely ever cries. She's not fussy. She loves to be kissed and she loves it when I cradle her tiny feet.
Today I noticed that her feet are incredibly soft and small and her second toe is longer than her big toe. It is a unique characteristic and it is totally hers. She is Pennie and I am so, so grateful for her. A couple of days ago, while lying in bed with my husband and Pennie, he was so grateful that we would never have to wonder what Olivia looked like, that we would always have Pennie to remind us. They are mirror images of each other and there will never be the pain of wondering who she looked like or whose eyes she had. God is good to give us a flesh and blood reminder!
I'm more at peace now, cuddling my newest daughter, than I have been for months. I know that is how God intends it to be, after a mother has a baby. What I am doing right now, resting and sleeping and holding her and concentrating on her, is exactly what is supposed to be happening.
And it's so wonderful to know that my family has not put a deadline on my resting. I can just do what my body, my heart, tells me to do. I love my family and I'm so glad my husband had the vision to teach our girls to be very helpful and to do most of the things around the house. My husband hears from God, and I respect that and love it!
Now I'm going to feed Pennie and have some family time and just relax and chill out.
You all probably do not want to hear from me unless this post contains new photos of Our Pennie.
Sorry to disappoint you....no new pictures will be on this post. My Computer People have been busy lately and haven't gotten the new pictures loaded onto the computers. I do apologize and will remedy the situation shortly.
Okay.
How are we doing? Pennie is now 12 days old and it's been 12 days of the sweetest, most blessed, most blissful time ever. Gals, I'm living my own private Bissdom here! I'm typing this while she is deeply asleep on my chest. All of her warm, fantastic goodness is right here for me to kiss and smell and folks, it's just better than melty butter on waffles!!!
My mom keeps on asking me if I've put her down for more than two seconds since she's been born, and truthfully, I have, with giving her to her sisters to hold so I can go potty and putting her down to change her, but......I'm holding her a lot. Most of the time. Isn't that why God gave moms newborns? I mean, Mom has to recover too, and what better way to recover than with your newborn in your arms?? Besides, she needs me and the fact is.....
I need her.
We complete each other. We fill the place in each other that is an open wound from Olivia's death.
My dear friend who attended her birth said.....
We're healing each other.
Amen.
Pennie is such a peaceful baby. She allows me to sleep at least 4 hour stretches at night. She scarcely ever cries. She's not fussy. She loves to be kissed and she loves it when I cradle her tiny feet.
Today I noticed that her feet are incredibly soft and small and her second toe is longer than her big toe. It is a unique characteristic and it is totally hers. She is Pennie and I am so, so grateful for her. A couple of days ago, while lying in bed with my husband and Pennie, he was so grateful that we would never have to wonder what Olivia looked like, that we would always have Pennie to remind us. They are mirror images of each other and there will never be the pain of wondering who she looked like or whose eyes she had. God is good to give us a flesh and blood reminder!
I'm more at peace now, cuddling my newest daughter, than I have been for months. I know that is how God intends it to be, after a mother has a baby. What I am doing right now, resting and sleeping and holding her and concentrating on her, is exactly what is supposed to be happening.
And it's so wonderful to know that my family has not put a deadline on my resting. I can just do what my body, my heart, tells me to do. I love my family and I'm so glad my husband had the vision to teach our girls to be very helpful and to do most of the things around the house. My husband hears from God, and I respect that and love it!
Now I'm going to feed Pennie and have some family time and just relax and chill out.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Pictures!!
These pictures are not of her when she was brand new. I think we do have a few of those, but I'm not sure where they are, and anyway, WHO wants to see pictures of our toilet??
We've pretty much been sitting like this since Sunday, after I got into bed. She couldn't be sweeter. I still marvel at how small and delicate she is. She's almost 2 lbs less than Lucie was at birth. I sit here and marvel at the shell-like whorls of ears that are smaller than quarters, and as fine as rose petals, and I caress her tiny head and am in awe that it is no bigger than my hand. My heart thrills at the perfect curve of every minute-sized fingernail. I smooth my finger over the porcelain softness of her cheek and kiss her sweet nose and I am so thankful that all the waiting and wondering and worrying are over and now, this is the reward I've been chosen to nurture.
We were so surprised at how small she is. After all, we were assured that she'd be at least 8 lbs, according to the fact that she wasn't going to be crushed by her sister in the womb, and all of our other babies have been right around the 8 lb mark. So, she hasn't had any clothes on yet because nothing fits! And the newborn diapers? They're huge. Not only is she very small, but she's very delicate too, not having any fat on her at all. The fact of the matter is, my body knew she was a twin, and Olivia probably would have been right around the same size, so she's twin sized. I love her just the way she is. She's basically no longer than my forearm!
We're both doing well. She is a really good nurser, although a somewhat sleepy one!! My milk is in, and I remember how I must take it easy on my diet so as to give her little tummy a chance to adjust, so it's a pretty bland diet for me for the first month or so. She and I will be going to the chiropractor tomorrow to get adjusted and I know that will help her tummy issues clear up. She's a bit jaundiced so I have been laying her in patches of sunlight (what little there are, as we woke up to snow this morning!) on my bed and nursing every couple of hours.
I am slowly recovering. Girls, let me tell you, even though my labor, when it kicked in at 7:30 Sunday morning, wasn't that long, it was INTENSE and tough and my body feels that!! My family has given me leave to lounge in bed like a pampered queen for as long as I want to. My muscles are sore and I'm pretty tired and weak. I've decided to live without Tylenol for the duration of the recovery period, due to Pennie's tummy issues. My family is taking really good care of me. Can I just say how much I love my bed? A good bed is really important! And can I just say how much my family has been a real Godsend?
So, thanks for being patient with me as I didn't get the pictures up right away. Dave's going to be off for about 5 weeks and he's taking the opportunity to be attached to his computer, doing important Man of the Farm things. I just shiver with delight (and I'm serious here!) as I think of having my husband here for that long! I really do look forward to it, mostly because he gets to catch up on things and he'll get some good rest and the kids love it when he's here!!
Talk to you all soon, and in the meantime, eat some good Mexican food for me, since I won't be doing that for a while! Hasta Luego!!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sunday Suprise
Hey, guess what?
Pennie Jane is here!
She arrived this morning at 9:29 AM, after some very, VERY intense contractions.
She weighs 5 lbs 13 oz, making her the smallest Gilchrist baby.
We're both snuggled up in our bed, having some absolutely fantastic skin-to-skin contact.
We don't have a length measurement yet, but we will soon!
Can I just say how relieved I am???
Pictures coming soon!
Pennie Jane is here!
She arrived this morning at 9:29 AM, after some very, VERY intense contractions.
She weighs 5 lbs 13 oz, making her the smallest Gilchrist baby.
We're both snuggled up in our bed, having some absolutely fantastic skin-to-skin contact.
We don't have a length measurement yet, but we will soon!
Can I just say how relieved I am???
Pictures coming soon!
Please Pray
Okay, it's almost 6 AM and still no baby......
I actually think she turned and is now transverse, which means she's sideways!!!
I'm not feeling any pressure where I was feeling pressure (if you know what I mean) and I haven't had really any good contractions for a while.
Babies can and do turn during labor.....But I thought I'd have Pennie by now.
Please pray with me that she will turn back to head down. She has been head down since about 32 weeks and so I don't know how she would turn to transverse, but I'm suspecting by the way my belly feels and how labor has kind of stalled. PRAY that she turns very soon. Thank you!!!
I actually think she turned and is now transverse, which means she's sideways!!!
I'm not feeling any pressure where I was feeling pressure (if you know what I mean) and I haven't had really any good contractions for a while.
Babies can and do turn during labor.....But I thought I'd have Pennie by now.
Please pray with me that she will turn back to head down. She has been head down since about 32 weeks and so I don't know how she would turn to transverse, but I'm suspecting by the way my belly feels and how labor has kind of stalled. PRAY that she turns very soon. Thank you!!!
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